13
Activation warning: involuntary sterilization and medical testing, suicidal ideation, and toxic relationships with abuse are mentioned in this episode.
Birth Control's primary purpose is not to prevent pregnancy, it's to make the rich richer.
Kelly and Kenny dissect their relationships and journeys with birth control. We discuss what we wish we knew back then and what Kelly learned from the documentary, The Business of Birth Control. The documentary provides incredible insight and we learn how birth control is, as all things are, rooted in white supremacy.
We also talk about:
PS: Sagittarius is a fire sign not air hehe
Resources:
The Business of Birth Control: website and documentary
Womb Healings at Cosmic Tea
Info on Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)
Find the full episode transcription here
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: call 988 to be connected with a trained professional
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor
Follow us on:
TikTok:
@nooffenseand
Instagram:
@nooffenseand_podcast
@kelly.haze
@amustardshower
Email: nooffenseand@gmail.com
Send us your feedback here
Subscribe to our email list here
We acknowledge we are operating on the occupied land of the Ute, Arapahoe, and Cheyenne peoples colonized as Denver - we pay our respects to those past, present, and future. We also acknowledge this statement is not enough and are committed to giving a portion of our proceeds to the people whose land we occupy and are in the process of getting a true land reverence.
13
Activation warning: involuntary sterilization and medical testing, suicidal ideation, and toxic relationships with abuse are mentioned in this episode.
Birth Control's primary purpose is not to prevent pregnancy, it's to make the rich richer.
Kelly and Kenny dissect their relationships and journeys with birth control. We discuss what we wish we knew back then and what Kelly learned from the documentary, The Business of Birth Control. The documentary provides incredible insight and we learn how birth control is, as all things are, rooted in white supremacy.
We also talk about:
PS: Sagittarius is a fire sign not air hehe
Resources:
The Business of Birth Control: website and documentary
Womb Healings at Cosmic Tea
Info on Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)
Find the full episode transcription here
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: call 988 to be connected with a trained professional
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor
Follow us on:
TikTok:
@nooffenseand
Instagram:
@nooffenseand_podcast
@kelly.haze
@amustardshower
Email: nooffenseand@gmail.com
Send us your feedback here
Subscribe to our email list here
We acknowledge we are operating on the occupied land of the Ute, Arapahoe, and Cheyenne peoples colonized as Denver - we pay our respects to those past, present, and future. We also acknowledge this statement is not enough and are committed to giving a portion of our proceeds to the people whose land we occupy and are in the process of getting a true land reverence.
Kendle: Hey, y'all. You're listening to no Offense and a Loving and nourishing Space, created to fuel conversations around personal and collective liberation. Where Kelly Kendle having vulnerable and intentional conversations full of humor, empathy, and, of course, love.
Kelly: Honestly, these episodes are just our opinions. So take no offense, and we invite you to explore yourself through our words. Help grow our community by leaving a review and most importantly, sharing. Now, let's get into some self loving.
Kendle: Hello, darlings. Before we dive into this episode, we wanted to give a little disclaimer. There are some activating topics in this episode. As you can imagine, birth control is activating in itself. We also talk about suicidal ideation, toxic relationships with abuse, involuntary sterilization, and medical testing on Puerto Rican, black and brown women.
So, as always, we want to encourage you to take care of yourself in any ways that feel supportive. Bringing awareness to your breath, drinking water, touching the earth, touching a plant, touching a pet, touching yourselves. Whatever you need in this moment, we are always here for you and know that we love you. All right, y'all. I hope you enjoy this episode
[music]
Kelly: are you loving the juicy content? Because we love having you, a part of our community to help us continue on this journey. We would be so grateful if you could support the show and donate anything you feel called to go to the show notes and click on Support the Show. We are eternally grateful to have you here.
[silence]
Kelly: I love being an Aquarius. Sometimes it's hard, but I love it.
Kendle: I've always felt very Aquarian. Yeah, I remember just finding it was a very vivid memory. When we lived in Virginia, there's this craft supply store called Ben Franklin, and I remember we were there in one of those little spinny things by the register. There was all the Zodiac books, and he was like the Aquarius woman. And we were just grabbing and being so drawn to it for being called yes. I've just always and I've really reconnected with feeling into that aspect of myself. I mean, spirituality in general, astrology, just wanting to know more about who I am and my energetic being when I was in Uganda. And it's just so eye opening. It puts things into words that I haven't ever been able to put into words. Oh, that's why Im this way. Same with human design. That level of knowledge is just so powerful. And I wish that was what was taught in fourth grade, middle school. Right. I think middle school could have a whole little shift in everything.
Kelly: Isn't that why we're here right now, Kendle? To teach our youngest self?
Kendle: Yes.
Kelly: The things that we wish we knew. I'm so obsessed with human design right now because the aquarius Zodiac, right? It's just like that next level behind and the science behind, too. So if you're a little skeptical about the spiritual aspect of it, there's science behind it also.
Kendle: Yes.
Kelly: Did you ever used to do Zodiac? Like compatibility test?
Kendle: Probably.
Kelly: I used to do that all the time. Like all my crushes and stuff. Allen 150%. Like I need a zodiac. What's your compatibility? Are we good? What about like, friends? All of it. But I do know as an Aquarian, because we are so difficult. Like, we just are. Right. We're very complex creatures. So like cerebral, right? Yeah, I always know. Another Aquarius. I'm like, I love Aquariuses. We don't vibe with a lot of people. Right. Because we're Aquariuses.
Kendle: We're cats
Kelly: We’re unique, ya cats. But Aquariuses are like I knew I liked you for a reason. You get me. Thank you.
Kendle: Yeah, 100%.
Kelly: And it's funny because learning now, like that Gemini quality that I have, I'm like, oh, there's a couple of Gemini's in my life. I wonder why we like each other so much. And like, right off the bat, like my Gemini queens that I'm friends with, we have that mutual understanding where we can kind of just talk to each other so directly, but know it's always from a place of love. But I don't have to cater and make my comments palatable for others. Yeah, for sure. It's that airiness.
Kendle: Yeah. I would say similar to SAGITTARIUS
Kelly: Also SAGITTARIUS, there's just like a best friend.
Kendle: Yeah. And Libra, there's like certain things where it just automatically clicks because the air signal oh, yeah. It's a perspective that not all the time. Other people who are very grounded or fire, or water have
Kelly: Is that why I struggle so much? I was trying to be grounded to anything is because I'm so in the air. It's just like hard, right?
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: It's like a very conscious effort for me to be like, present.
Kendle: Yeah, 100%. And to now know that I wish me of that previous versions of me had that awareness. Obviously I wouldn't be where I am today had I not had that awareness or excuse me, had I had I not had that awareness. I didn't have it. And I'm here and I'm very grateful for that. And I'm grateful that I can continue to apply it. And I think that that really correlates into everything we're talking about today with birth control.
Kelly: Exactly. I was just segueing into that. I was like yes, we're segueing right into the birth control piece.
Kendle: Absolutely. Just like being provided some education.
Kelly: Yeah. What is happening in my body? What is my energy? How is it being affected by not only everyone around me, but I'm putting in my body? And especially this thing that is designed to keep me from getting pregnant, to manage periods, cramps, hormones, all of this stuff. And it's so just at least in our lifetime, a part of what it is as we age as women. Like the right of passage into birth control.
Kelly: Yes.
Kendle: I started my period when I was twelve, and that's a lot of months in the lifetime to hope and pray and try to not get pregnant.
Kelly: Yeah. When you're also taught, like, so much information about your actual body and being pregnant, right. You usually can't get pregnant except for only a few days between when you've had your period and when your period actually starts. It's always like, if you have sex in your period, you will get pregnant. Which could be true if it's during these usual times when we're ovulating and that birth process can actually start.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: And so, yeah, the documentary that I watched, I mean, it touches on so many things that you even just said, and a piece of it is kind of control again, right? Getting people onto birth control, kind of that right of passage.
Kendle: Sorry. Just control. And then how it's called birth control. It is control. And it's, like, right in our face, and we're not even like aware of the subliminal nature at work, its in everything. So thank you for pausing with me please continue
Kelly: I lost my train of thought
Kendle: I apologize. It just hit me so hard. You said how it's control and then called Birth control. And I was like, oh, my God. It's in the name.
Kelly: Yeah, it's in the name.
Kendle: Yeah. You're talking about the documentary.
Kelly: The documentary and kind of talking about the right of passages, almost, that culture behind birth control and getting it. And also what you were talking about, how it's used to treat all of these things, really, birth control. When it was started, it was so you didn't get pregnant. But through marketing and being able to sell it more and having more reasons to use it. So your acne to regulate your period, all of these other things, it's now become this one all be all way of, like, your health as a woman. I'm so confused by that.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: I mean, I literally can't even tell you how many doctors I've talked to when I know that I have abnormal in my periods, there's no way that I should have to be in this much pain and lose this much quality of life because of this. There's something wrong. Can we figure out what's wrong with it? And begging doctors to basically want to do that with me. And they're always just like, well, that's what it's like to be a woman. You get a period
Kendle: that's gaslighting
Kelly: and it's from women because I usually try and do women doctors. The documentary does talk about, though, like, how they've also been conditioned through the education from birth control. Big pharma, you know?
Kendle: Yes.
Kelly: I remember having a conversation about birth control because I've been on it for so long. I was like, okay, I just feel like something's not right. I feel like this is unnatural. There's something in me innately saying, hold up. My body is talking to me right now. But I was in that always needing birth control cycle. And asking a doctor one time was like, how is this good for you? It's so unnatural. And her response to it was basically, as women, when we are young, we usually start having children, and we're always kind of in this birthing cycle. So your body usually thinks it's always like it wants to always be in birth.
Kendle:Yes
Kelly: and it's just not true. It's doing more than just tricking your body because you're not getting a period. Like, when you're giving birth and getting pregnant, you're having periods, and birth control is suppressing your period. So the period that you think that you're getting is not actually a period. But again, they're conditioned. And I was like, okay, well, yeah, that kind of makes sense. So I continue taking more and more birth control. I've had so much birth control throughout this span of my life, I can't even remember how long it's been. And they also said birth control not only was meant just to not get pregnant, but it was also meant to not be taken for a long period of time.
Kendle:Okay
Kelly: And I've been on birth control for years.
Kendle: I would say most people, most women have been on for a very long time. Holy shit. It's not meant to be taken for a long time.
Kelly: Yeah, short amounts of time. And there's so many dangerous things about taking birth control, especially as women with their bones, with all kinds of other things. I didn't realize also how deadly it really is. The documentary shared some stories from some families that lost their daughters from taking some sort of birth control. And it's heartbreaking. You don't really ever hear that, right? Because the warnings for birth control are so little. I'm talking to a doctor, I feel like there's a red flag, and you're telling me it's natural. And you go to these doctors for their advice. They're doctors. You think they would be more in tune with what they're prescribing to people all of the time. I remember I had the implant on inserted into my arm because pills are hard. I always forget. Even if I put, like, reminder on the phone, allen or my husband had the reminder on the phone, and I would still miss pills somehow. And it was risky. And the shot and pill after pill after pill to try and find the right one because they've always made me sick. I mean, the birth control, I had almost everything, but I got the implant on, and I remember getting sick and being put on antibiotics. And after that, something sparked in my body, and I know it's because antibiotics and the birth control had to have had something happen.
Kendle: Contraindication
Kelly: of course, doctors like, oh, those aren't correlated. I'm like, no, I know my body. They did something because I'm on my period every day for days and days and days and days and days, and then I'll be off for two days, and then I'll be on for three days and then off for, like, four days, and then on for eight days.
Kendle: How long have you had?
Kelly: Like a year.
Kendle: Okay.
Kelly: In my arm for about a year. I went through that period cycle, like, continuously having a period for a year. Do you want to know what the solution that my doctor came up with? To try and fix it? To get on the pill. To try and regulate the birth control that's already in your fucking arm for three months.
Kendle: Okay.
Kelly: Guess what I did per the doctor's order?
Kendle: Get on the pill
Kelly: Like Really? What the solution should have been is let's get that out of your body. Yeah, it's not working for you. Let's try something else.
Kendle: Let's pivot.
Kelly: Yeah, let's pivot. Let's get it out of your body. It's not reacting well. No one should be on their period for a year, but now the solution was to take more contraceptive on top of that.
Kendle: Did it help?
Kelly: I remember it helping for a little bit, but it took three months of all of that medicine for it to barely help and then revert back to the same issue.
Kendle: Okay.
Kelly: Because the body said no.
Kendle: Did you ultimately get it out?
Kelly: Yeah, of course I took it out. So that's why sometimes when you talk to doctors about it, right, and they're like, well, get one implanted in your vagina. And I'm like, Dude, I have problems with one in my arm. You really think I want to put that thing in my vagina?
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: Absolutely not. I might be dumb, but I'm not that dumb. I learned from
Kendle: you are not dumb, no one is dumb.
Kelly: Allowing someone to give me two birth controls at one time as a solution.
Kendle: Yeah. What do you use now then?
Kelly: Nothing now.
Kendle: Okay.
Kelly: But I mean, I remember wanting to get off of it. I was also thinking about again, like, I don't know if I want to have kids, but I've heard so many stories because I was on the depo shop for a really long time.
Kendle: Okay.
Kelly: Basically, you inject it in your arm. It's birth control for three months. You don't have to worry about taking anything and suppressed my period. I used to never have periods, but the reason why I wanted birth control so badly was because of the pain. It's not because of the pregnancy stuff. It wasn't because of acne or whatever. It was literally debilitating pain. So, yeah, I got off of that and then had to go through that cycle of kind of like purging everything and that'll kind of bring to this point also in the documentary. So talking about personality, being on it for so long, in the documentary, she said something about the hormones changes your personality kind of like have as you're taking these birth controls, like changing your hormones, all these synthetic estrogens and all of that, and it takes away from your feminine power and it forces you kind of into that masculine, right? Because if you have less feminine, the masculine will start to take over and that masculine energy is usually driven by success, tends to lean towards a lack of empathy. And I think about, like, since I've been on birth control for so long, we obviously talked about my journey with mental health and being depressed and all that. It's like, how much of that really is, like the depression and how much of that was just being on this birth control and knowing that this is such a side effect for so many people to have these foggy thoughts and depression and all of these things. Again, the control aspect of, like, let's get all these women disconnected from their bodies, disconnected from their feminine energy. The thing that is like, the most beautiful and natural thing for us Kendle: womb bearing bodies
Kelly: is to bleed. Yes, exactly. But of course, when you're in so much pain and the lack of education, and maybe if I had all this education, I would still go to it and I would still use it. So it's not anything against birth control. Like, I get there are reasons and purposes. Do I think that there's better opportunity to evolve that to something that serves women a lot better in our health instead of big pharma pockets?
Kendle: Exactly.
Kelly: Yeah. But luckily, through that journey, actually, I got off of it, purged through. It felt much better, clearer, just better.
Kendle: Yes.
Kelly: And then I remember it was fairly easy to do, though, because it was 2020. Okay, I could take time off of work if I was hurting. It was easier to have to spend the day in the pain but that period and not worry about missing work or having to do something or go somewhere like, that was kind of nice. But then reality hits, right? You're no longer in lockdown. And with that kind of, like, comfort. And I had, like, travel to Chicago to go wedding dress shopping with my girls. We were going to go to our honeymoon and travel. And then we had, I think, another big event or trip after that. And I got scared to have my period during those times. Like, I can't like, I physically cannot be able to experience those things and have that first day of my period. And so I was like, I'm going to get on birth control for a short amount of time. And I was like, the double shot is usually the one that worked the best. Like, I didn't get a period. The pain was fine. I've tried pill after pill after pill, and all of them always made me sick. So I stopped trying pills. We know what happened with my arm implants. I was like, sure, Depo, that's fine. It'll be great. I swear. She put that needle in my arm, and it was like a dark spiral. I mean, it was bad, especially because my body became more healthy and used to that feeling. And then I put this toxic thing in my body, or at least that's how my body reacted to it in a toxic way, and I could just see so many of the problems that I used to have come after that and like, the depression and the self hatred and the suicidal fucking thoughts and all of these things. It was a blessing because obviously this is not the first time it's happened. I've had these experiences. At least I've been able to recognize them a little bit better and try and be like, okay, I know I'm depressed. Like, this is not good. Having at least that little bit of awareness through all of the episodes I've ever had, I'd like to something good, right? Like, I'm here. It showed me something was wrong. I'm learning more about my body, where a lot of that pain I'm holding in my uterus when I have my periods is probably linked very closely to a lot of trauma that I've endured. A lot of bad energy that I've had to hold in this space for so long. I was talking to a friend about it, and she was when I mentioned it to me, and I was like, oh, my gosh, that's so crazy. You're right. And she was like, when did your periods get really bad? And I remembered they started to get really bad when I got in a relationship with my really abusive boyfriend. And she was like, that was probably a way of the universe helping you. You cannot get pregnant. We're going to stop. This is not your time. This is not the person who can't do this. Obviously it was painful, but I've been able to learn about doing more spiritual things to clear that energy. I've been doing the Yoni steam. Thank you, Elizabeth, for providing Rebecca and my life to help heal my womb space and release some of that energy. It was beautiful. I would love to talk about that experience. My first experience doing my own scene on another episode or just doing, like, energy work, meeting you, doing breath work, just feeling those emotions I know we talked about for the wedding when I would cry. Now I'm recognizing I feel the same kind of pain here in my sacral chakra. So, I mean, it's a good thing that's led me to this space, but the birth control was really hard.
Kendle: Yeah, that sounds really hard.
Kelly: And I wish I had something like that documentary to at least educate me a little bit more about what I'm actually taking. And especially learning the history behind it, too, was so jarring. I guess not really, but I'm not surprised. But of course, when they were creating birth control, it just became a space where we can test it on Puerto Rican brown women. They're kind of like our test subjects for this birth control pill. And they even reported things like suicidal thoughts or had suicide afterwards. And of course, there's no correlation to birth control, right? It didn't stop them.
Kendle: They were just like, oh, it's a side effect. Be aware. However, we're not really going to let you be too aware of that.
Kelly: Exactly. And destroy of, like, what, women de-sterilization
Kendle: Sterilization.
Kelly: Yeah.
Kendle: Oh, my God.
Kelly: Going into these procedures and not knowing what they were doing necessarily, then coming out, not being able to have children. And then, of course, it's just like, well, sorry. Yeah, too bad. So sad. Not really anything you could do about it. My bad. Crazy. This documentary
Kendle: I want to watch it.
Kelly: It was so educational. Well, it's called the business of birth control. Yeah. So as soon as I heard the name, I was like, whoa. And it's Ricky Lake. I forget where her partner's name is, but Ricky Lake is, I guess, very passionate and kind of an advocate around education for this. And same with her. She's not against birth control. It's just like, let's educate people to make better decisions and see where we should take this information and what should we do with this information. But yeah, the Business of Birth Control, she has some free listing kind of time frames where you can go, and she provides it at no cost. But if you don't want to wait for that, I suggest also supporting it. Right. And paying for it if you can. I think of, I don't know, $12 or something to watch it. I thought it was interesting. I sent it to a bunch of girlfriends when it was free for the weekend. Again, I have friends. You have daughters getting to this age.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: Watch it and just educate yourself before you make the decision on if she should go on birth control. And are there better avenues that we can take around this?
Kendle: Yeah, I will definitely link this in the show notes, and I just appreciate how it brings the awareness around how, like everything, it is rooted in white supremacy. It's oppressive.
Kelly: Control.
Kendle: Yeah. Controlling the women.
Kelly: Because we are powerful beings.
Kendle: Yes, we are. We are so powerful. And for it to make money, for it to be a source of greed, a source of power. Again, a source of control. I think I went on it when I was 16, and my mom and I have a very codependent enmeshed relationship, and I don't like to never like to keep things from people. It just makes me feel really icky. So I'd gone to Planned Parenthood with a friend, and I couldn't not tell her. And she goes, okay, we're going to go and see my gynecologist. And I had more framed it in the thinking of, like, I'm just trying to be prepared in case it happens, instead of like, no, we're going to have sex, we've been dating for a while, kind of thing, and they just put me on it. And I remember there were only four sugar pills, and I don't think my body liked it at all. I know I was under a lot of stress in general at that time, but I just remember feeling sick all the time. And I already have always had a little bit of a tendency to just be really nauseous and to easily puke.
Kelly: Same sis!
Kendle: Yeah, and I just puked a lot.
Kelly: It was like you were having morning sickness.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: I could get sick on one pill same time every day.
Kendle: Wow. The nausea would come in. I couldn't really eat anything. I'd throw up a lot of the times, and it made me sick. I was like, I can't take this anymore.
Kendle: Yeah. And you tried a new pill at that point?
Kelly: Of course.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: Like, that's a signal of your body is like, no, this is not working. This is not good. Yeah, I don't want it. It's not for me. Maybe another body would respond better to it. But your body specifically, it's not for you.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: It's literally making you physically ill every day. I have lost weight on the pill. A lot of women talk about they gain weight on the pill. I actually lost weight on the pill because I was so sick all the time. I would just throw up and I want to eat.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: Full spectrum of side effects that are not discussed during your meetings with doctors, at least not with me. And I've had a lot of doctors.
Kendle: Yeah. I don't remember. I'm sure there was something I think I also was so disempowered to ask questions. I didn't know what to ask, and I was just like, yes, give me the pill. And it was very, like, one track mind type of thing. And I remember having a lot of fear around bringing up how it was making me feel or gaining more knowledge around the matter. I would have such crippling anxiety when the period when the sugar pills came, because I didn't know that I didn't just take a sugar pill and then automatically get my period that day. It's kind of what I thought would happen you know, your body takes a day or two to come off of all the hormones it's been on to then begin to bleed. And I would just sit there crippled, like, I cannot be pregnant. So just not okay. My body was so fucked at that point, like, just not doing well. And I just never really brought any awareness around it. I never had any conversations. And retrospectively, as we spoke about an episode about the abortion, I had the insurance being taken from me, led me to get off of birth control at about 18, and I didn't get back on until after I had an abortion. And I got the ID. And I got Marena. And I was like at that point, I wasn't yet aware that I was going to Uganda. I was applying, though, and was like, this is going to be easy. It's for five years. I don't have to remember anything about it.
Kelly: It just get inserted into me that mindset just on being on it, this, like, savior drug that women can take.
Kendle: Yes. Because it was like, to me, it was like, oh, I just did what was conditioned to believe was very irresponsible. Getting an abortion when in reality not being pregnant really fucking responsible.
Kelly: And all the responsibility on you is getting pregnant when there's lots of forms that males can take to also prevent.
Kendle: Yeah. And thinking that the solution to my self destructive behavior, to my irresponsibility, quote, unquote, was to the idea of birth control. And I was on it. And Uganda was a lot. I mean, that whole time of life was a lot. As we talked about in that abortion episode. Again, didn't know that I was still feeling all of the emotions and hormones of being pregnant. And then to add in the hormones of the IUD, and I was like, oh, well, it's localized, Kendle.
Kelly: Let's just punch it while it's down.
Kendle: Yeah, right. It's not just localized. And then to have a very toxic relationship, and then six months later go to Uganda and live in that life and
Kelly: a whole new country, a whole new environment.
Kendle: Yeah. I mean, that's a whole other thing in itself. Just like very with me, myself, and I and my own thoughts and my own depression and suicidal ideation and things I've dealt with all of life. And was it exacerbated because of this birth control? Who's to say? Feels like potentially.
Kelly: And I mean, when you talk to your doctor while you're in middle school about thinking you're, like, bipolar, depressed, maybe one of the questions should be digging in, like, what kind of birth control is a medication that could cause that? Let's experiment and take you off that and see how you're instead it was, here are some pills for your depression.
Kendle: Yeah. Pills on pills on pills. Money.
Kelly: Yes. Sickening. Like, keep people sick, right? Yeah, keep them sick. Keep them disempowered.
Kendle: I'm a force when Im strong.
Kelly: Exactly.
Kendle: Weak when they are sick. Weak when they are disconnected. Weak when they are disassociated from their bodies, from the body's natural rhythm, all forms of control.
Kelly: Yeah. More gratitude. We talked about that. Having more gratitude for our womb space and just bodies, but especially this space that I've had such a conflict with for so long. And really it's something I should be grateful and blessed and thankful for instead of fighting with it all of the time.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: I mean, it's conditioning. Right. It's unlearning that.
Kendle: And it's a process, and it's not easy. I mean, who the journey of cultivating self love and how that then looks when I am trying to love my body, the thing that I have had so much hate for. Oh, man, we will definitely have an episode on cultivating that and just our experiences with self hatred in general. There's a lot in all of this. There's so much to unpack. I remember I got. A reading from a spiritual advisor. I was in New York helping my cousin out with her kids. August 2020. So early pandemic. And I was very depressed, and I had to get these final medical forms done for Peace Corps because we didn't get to do them. And I was just putting it off, putting it off, putting it off because I had no motivation. And I go through the spiritual advisor, and he asked me, what's going on with your mense? I was like, oh, well, I haven't really had a period because I have the IUD. He goes, you need to get that out of your body. Your body does not like it. You are not doing well. And I was like, I hear you. Interesting. Thank you for that. And the appointments needed to get a PAP smear. And I'd had an abnormal PAP smear previously, so I think it was a follow up on that. And I asked her, I was like, would you be able to get this out of me today? I just want it out. I don't remember the time frame, but very quickly after, as you mentioned, when you went off of it, just this, like, cloud of relief. Oh, my gosh. Just this huge wait. Yeah. And I didn't realize how weighed down I was buying this little uterine device.
Kelly: It changes your entire personality.
Kendle: Everything changes
Kelly: your entire personality because I think it is so mood altering.
Kendle: Yeah. And she then informed me that because of it likely developed the ovarian cyst. Kelly: In the documentary, they talked about how birth controls used to heal all these things, and it's actually causing a lot of things.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: Just throwing that out there.
Kendle: And I have it. It's my right ovary, and I can feel it. I know when that ovary is giving an egg, I think they're making an assumption. It hurts. There's just such a pain and background ache, in a way. It's just there. And I recently started dating someone and realized I wasn't on birth control.
Kelly: And your responsibility.
Kendle: Exactly. Yeah. And I was like, okay, I am not going to fuck with this. I've had an abortion. I want to do something. I do not want to be on hormones. I don't want that. And this thing called fexi, I believe it's called, has come out recently, and it's not a spermicide. However, it's the same concept as a spermicide. So I called Planned Parenthood and try to get an appointment to see what they can do, if that's something they can provide for me. And they were very shocked that that's what I wanted. But I didn't want hormones. The woman I spoke with was so kind and so loving and so helpful, and she just basically was like, it is so expensive because it's newer,
Kelly: and I better for you.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: Right. Maybe. Potentially.
Kendle: Probably.
Kelly: I think it's natural.
Kendle: Yeah. It's using citric acid and other things to prevent the sperm from eating the egg. It just creates a hostile environment, which a lot of birth control is doing. It's just doing it in a more natural capacity. It was, I think, about $300 for twelve vials of it. And twelve vials does not mean twelve days. It means twelve times that someone is having penis to vagina penetrative sex. So within the hour that you are going to have sex, you have to insert it. And if you are to have sex more than one time in that hour, you have to insert another vial. So twelve times of penis entering the vagina
Kelly: one really full night could cost you like hundreds of dollars just to prevent pregnany
Kendle: yes.
Kelly: I don't know if I want to shout something at my vagina that much either. You know what I mean? Like, this is a sacred place. I value this a lot more. I don't want to put anything else in my vagina, but I don't have to put in my vagina.
Kendle: Yeah, right. And I just remember talking about it with her and her being very compassionate and wanting me to find other options because she knew I really didn't want to be on hormones. And she was just like, we can put you on the lowest thing. We can put you on the nouveau ring.
Kelly: The documentary stories about that,
Kendle: I can only imagine. Or we could do the ID at the very, very end. Did she bring up doing the copper ID, which isn't hormonal, it is copper. And so at the end of the appointment, I had agreed to try the nuva ring I would come to the Planned Parenthood location and pick up the prescription for it. And I just really didn't want to right. I was like, I do not want to put this in my body. So, manifesting generator knowledge. I now know that I need to sleep on things and not make decisions from an emotional place. And so I was like, okay, most sleep on this. And I just remember waking up and being like, I'm not putting hormones in my body. I'm going to get the copper ID. I don't want it. However, it's the only thing that I feel comfortable doing if I'm going to be engaging in penis, vaginal, penis, vagina intercourse. And so I got it. And the women that did my intake were so shocked that I didn't want hormones, that I didn't want to stop my period. And I was like, no, I want to bleed. And it sounds like, as you said from the documentary, just the conditioning that our medical system has had to encourage women to do that, to train doctors that people who are black have a higher pain tolerance. These things are so rooted in control and oppression and white supremacy
Kelly: and lack of education.
Kendle: And lack of education, yeah. And the copper. IUD I don't know if it's for everyone. I mean, I don't think anything is for everyone. It's meant to last for twelve years. Which I'm like dope, and it's meant to also make you bleed more. And I definitely do bleed more. And it's a side effect and it's something I'm so grappling with. I think I have a lot of unprocessed trauma around having the abortion, and I think there's a lot of fear there to ever have to go through that again. And so what am I going to do? I'm going to control my body. And it sucks, but that's the option.
Kelly: Yeah. I mean, that's hard. That's so hard. I think I should totally maybe have an episode of just some of my uterus self love journey lately, helping through the period and some of the steps I've taken. Luckily, I don't at least know to my knowledge currently that there's issues with my uterus. I know some women, there's actual issues that are there that are causing a lot of this. So unescene is probably not going to fix that. Like, it's been able to heal me so much, but I had to basically beg the last doctor. I had to, please, can we do anything just to see if anything is wrong? Yeah, I am telling you, something is wrong with my body. And finally I convinced the doctor to do an ultrasound and my uterus and all of that, and everything looks good because I was having a lot of thoughts of I think I may have endometriosis. You're googling the symptoms, which, I mean, I get, but at least it's some sort of education where I can bring to a doctor, at least maybe could it be endometriosis? And I remember her saying that this ultrasound would not show that, but it would show if you have, like, cysts. If you have really bad endometriosis, you may be able to see some scarring. But the only way to really test for endometriosis is to have surgery. And to have surgery, it could make it worse if you haven't had kids yet and you want to have kids. So it doesn't really make a lot of sense to have the surgery. And even if they find endometriosis, the best prescription for it is, guess what, Kendle?
Kendle: Birth control!?
Kelly: You are like a mind reader. How did you know I was going to say that?
Kendle: Because it's all a business and they don't actually care about us.
Kelly: So it put me through this cycle of like, why are we why is everything leading back to birth control? I just don't understand it. My body does not like it is rejecting it. But again, some of these natural things because I know that from that piece of information I got with ultrasound, at least there's nothing bigger wrong.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: So, like my experience with acupuncture and the energy and the trauma that stayed within there and some of the natural herbal medicines that she's given me, the yoni steam, I just think some of the self love and the gratitude towards it and loving your body and remembering when you have your period, it should be such a beautiful thing for a woman. It's really a celebrated thing to be able to have and get your period and me learning, okay, I'm not going to do super intense workouts when I'm on my period. And I'm not going to continue to kind of suppress all that feminine energy and put that stress on my body when my body needs to be healing right now and it needs rest, it needs a bath, it needs to lay down, it needs a heating pad to feel good. And all of those types of things that you can do for your body that are so small and trying to be more creative during those times where you're being bleeding. Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: Where you are, quote unquote, just like being lazy, right? Like not being lazy or just resting.
Kendle: You're resting. You're taking care of your body.
Kelly: I finally am. Like, you know what? If I have my period on the day of work, I'm just taking work off. I don't care what's happening that day.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: If it's a hurtful, painful day, no, I'm not going to push myself to go through these experiences anymore. I'm going to sit my ass in bed with a heating pad, a nice hot shower, not get out and relax.
Kendle: Let your body do what it's doing. Rejuvenate, rest, recover, recuperate, bleed.
Kelly: I mean, I'm still taking lots and lots of Tylenol ibuprofen to help combat that because it's still I mean, it's not fixed, right? Doing these things haven't fixed it, but at least these things have noticed a big change. It's huge. And that little piece of change is like, okay, we're at least on the right track. We're seeing some sort of progress. Let's continue and experiment and listen to my body and see what my body is needing or wanting.
Kendle: Yeah, and it's all about education, too. I mean, if we were educated about the cycles, the luteal phase, all these phases, and as you said, oh, I'm bleeding. I do not need to be working out rigorously during this time. These are the foods that need to be eating. I have a couple of friends who are on PMDD journeys.
Kelly: What's that?
Kendle: I actually don't know the full acronym. We will definitely link it in the show notes. It is a depressive disorder from menstruating, I believe. And so they both have pretty much half of the month they spend in very, very deep depression and the anxiety and it's from the periods and the hormones and there are things we can do holistically to help that. And sometimes, yes, we also have to take antidepressants to help it. There's so many different angles, though, that it can be approached from. And it's exactly as we've been saying. The piece that is missing is that education is valuing women enough to help them know what's going on in their bodies and not making that something that is shameful. That's all I could think about when you were talking about how you've pivoted to learning to love it. It's just how much shame we've been conditioned to have while we're bleeding. It's like, oh, my God, there's red on my pants. Let me shove this thing. That could give me toxic shock syndrome inside of me for hours so that no one knows I'm bleeding. And it's a secret and it's scary and there's just so much there. And it's a lot of conditioning to hate our bodies and to be ashamed of them
Kelly: 100%. And that's why I don't know if this is one of my toxic traits, but that's why I love letting my husband know it is my period. I'm in pain. Come here and take care of me.
Kendle: You're allowing yourself to be taken care of. It's a time that we probably are meant to be taken care of
Kelly: 100%. That shame piece of like, no, I'm going to talk about it. My period, I don't feel good. I don't want to have shame around how I'm feeling right now just because it's about my vagina and how much I'm bleeding. So I used to have men managers. Now that I'm starting to call out because of my period. I don't know why, but sometimes that feels like an awkward conversation, right? Like, I have a male superior colleague, whatever. And I'm like, no, I'm just going to send them an email and say, I woke up this morning and my uterus chose violence, so I will be staying home today.
[laughter]
Kendle: my uterus chose violence. Did you say that?
Kelly: Yes, I absolutely okay.
Kendle: What did they say to that? What do you say to that?
Kelly: you think about whatever you want. I'm taking the day off.
Kendle: You experience a lot of pain.
Kelly: I'm going to make you uncomfortable around. Like, I'm going to shove this in your face because this is about women and everything is always about men and the shame, right. And hiding it. No, I'm on my period. Don't ask me for anything. I'm off today. Thank you.
Kendle: And I think that's typically previously been used as a tool to make us seem weak and to make us seem inferior.
Kelly: Some of my favorite videos are of the guys getting strapped up with those little labor pain stimulators. We're watching videos. You're going to love it. It's so funny to watch these men get these little pads and they are stimulating the pain that you feel like contractions, right?
Kendle: Yeah. Cramps.
Kelly: Yes. And they're like level three. And like, women are doing it and they're like, this is nothing. I'm backing with this kind of pain. I vacuum with this kind of pain.
Kendle: I mean, that's why there haven't been male versions of birth control, because men report things that women just deal with having periods in general and then also the side effects they report, like headaches and cramps and fatigue and nausea. And so they stopped the trials. They were like, oh, really? yeah, can't do it then, because this is happening. These are the side effects and they're really serious.
Kelly: Yes. That's just being a woman.
Kendle: I will say though, I don't know if I would trust a man to take a daily pill because that same level of responsibility and fear isn't there of I could get pregnant or I'm doing it to help main.
Kelly: Right. Because even at the end of the day, the man doesn't have the uterus, he can't have the baby. All of that is always that pressure is always on the woman. There's such an extra level of pressure and stuff like that is happening. But yeah, we can dive into that probably a little bit. I don't want to spiral into that conversation and get so off topic or in traffic. Kendle: We're in traffic with the male experience. Talking about birth control, kind of like being in traffic.
Kelly: I think they said something on the podcast I listened to, or was it the documentary? But they're talking about some sort of experimental type things for men where it's really easy to buy it. It's kind of like an easy quick. What is it called when they tie the men's?
Kendle: Oh, vasectomy.
Kelly: Vasectomy, right. Yeah. Because you do that to a woman, it's way more invasive, it's more dangerous, like they can never have children again. It's reversible for them.
Kendle: It's reversible.
Kelly: It's not 100%,
Kendle: typically
Kelly: But they're talking about that. There's some of those types of things that are kind of in research, but of course you have to get the men to actually do it. But luckily we are getting more and more men. Like when we talk about about men and you're not triggered by it, you know, we're not talking about you, but if we're talking about men and you are triggered about it, we are talking about you and that's why you're triggered and you should sit on that thought journal about it. Okay. Take some deep breaths and think about what I just said and see where you can grow. Right.
Kendle: Kelly called you out.
Kelly: I'm just saying I can I'm an Aquarius, so it really comes from a place of love. I just say it kind of a gradually sometimes.
Kendle: I think it's important though, because when we say these things, we are generalizing, so it can be jarring. And I think that's the point though, right? When I say the words white supremacy, there's a guard that automatically goes up in most white bodied people. And that's what we're trying to get beyond. We want to have conversations around this because we are trying to burn it all down so we can rebuild it. Burn it with love. Rebuild it with love.
Kelly: Yes.
Kendle: It is part of the age of aquarius. It's all correlated, man.
Kelly: Is that supposed to be the name of our podcast? You say it every single episode. We're both Aquariuses. I mean, it happened during the age of Aquarius. It just makes a lot of sense right now. Right, I mean, who knows?
Kendle: Time will tell. I'm not opposed. We'll put it on the list
Kelly: on the list.
Kendle: Yeah. Oh, man. I know what a time it is and I'm grateful for these conversations. It's magical serendipitous how they are all intersected, how one inspires another, how there's seemingly an unlimited amount of things we can talk about.
Kelly: Knowledge is an unlimited resource.
Kendle: Yes. And it is a human right.
Kelly: The only thing in life that can't be taken away from you is your knowledge, is what you know. And you can either choose to educate yourself and grow and learn and be better, or you can stay stagnant and live in the space of, like, same.
Kendle: Yeah. And school. Excuse me. Life is school. We are here to learn. We are here to evolve. We've just been conditioned that that's not the truth.
Kelly: You'll be less angry.
Kendle: Yeah. I mean, in my experience, I have become less angry.
Kelly: I feel you have more self love. More connected.
Kendle: Yes, more self love. There's so many benefits I have received.
Kelly: Yes.
Kendle: It's hard and it's challenging and it is work. It's called doing the work for a reason. Kelly: Nothing in life comes easy.
Kendle: Yeah.
Kelly: Yes. It's definitely worth it. I'm very grateful for the journey that I'm on, that we are on, that we all are on and we're cultivating this community. This was such a good week of recording. I was so proud of ourselves. That's one thing I don't do a lot. We're just going to take a minute to really acknowledge the growth that we've had in such a small amount of time. It really is amazing. So to sit here and just be, like, proud of ourselves for a second, it's huge. It is huge. And as we're continuing this journey and even just this extra day last week recorded, now we're recording again that fire we talked about. Like, I'm just so excited.
Kendle: I'm so excited. I feel like I'm just working on something that I'm actually passionate about and I don't know if I've ever had something that I was passionate about. Not to this level.
Kelly: No. Not where this is, like, really making me feel so good inside, right? Where my whole self is in it and excited and it's a podcast. Now all I have to do is just, like, share my wisdom and my thoughts in my Aquarian brain. All we want is the good for humanity. That's why we're here, right?
Kendle: It totally is.
Kelly: Yeah. It's gorgeous. It's a journey.
Kendle: Yeah. It's an absolute honor.
Kelly: 100%.
Kendle: And I know it's work. And I know that this is uncomfortable for us, putting ourselves in the limelight. I don't know how else to put that. But putting ourselves in a place to be so vulnerable in every aspect of me seen by all of the world, which I've tried to hide, especially behind guises of people pleasing and perfectionism and just so many things that I've been conditioned by. I'm just so grateful.
Kelly: I know I am, too. It is. I mean, it's typical me. It's always zero to 100. That's how this has been. Like, you're either depressed or you're excelling and just like, so going to change the world.
Kendle: Know thyself.
Kelly: Yes. One of my favorite things ever. My grandma used to always say that to me. I love that saying. I've always thought about getting that tattooed somewhere. Know, thyself.
Kendle: Oh, that's fun.
Kelly: I know. I've been thinking about some tattoos lately because remember we were talking about if I don't have to work a corporate nine to five and I can just be in a business and a way of living my life that I can just be free. I like tattoos.
Kendle: Yeah, man. I had this epiphany when we were marching on Friday. I was inspired by this woman's back and I couldn't see it fully because of her shirt. All I could see is something enough. And I realized that I want the back of my body to be love notes to everyone because that's not something I typically see of myself. So I'm like what I know. I want some stuff back there under my arms and my shoulders. I want it to be love notes to everyone. You are loved. You are worthy. You are enough tattoos.
Kelly: I love that.
Kendle: I know. I'm excited.
Kelly: Yeah. Well, that was a great episode.
Kendle: Yeah. Thank you for sharing in this moment with me. And of course, as we didn't do this earlier, I do just want to give an acknowledgment to the indigenous people. The cheyenne ute and arapahoe peoples whos land is colonized as Denver, whose land we are recording on and all the indigenous people whose land our listeners are on. So much love, so much gratitude into the Age of Aquarius.
Kelly: Thank you, Kenny. I appreciate you.
Kendle: I appreciate you.
Kendle: Thank you for holding space for this conversation. We hope it was expansive. As a new podcast, it would mean the world if you could please help us grow our community by leaving a review and sharing this episode.
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