Effective Inner Child Work, Magic Mushrooms, and New Epiphanies - Our Juicy Life Update

8

Are the farts us or the couch!?

From realizing we have been lacking in gratitude to recognizing when we are projecting our wounds outward, the updates are deep and raw. We share the insights gained from therapy, trips (physical and metaphysical alike), and talking with our spirit guides and inner children.

We also talk about: 

• Making phone folders affirmations 
• Quality Time
• Parts Work (a therapeutic approach)
• Sitting in the seat of higher self 
• Living in the masculine 
• Imposter Syndrome 

Resources:

Rachel Ricketts

Maira Holzman of Somatic Therapy Partners - Kendle's Therapist

Chrysalis Haze - Kelly's Business

Find the full episode transcription here

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We acknowledge we are operating on the occupied land of the Ute, Arapahoe, and Cheyenne peoples colonized as Denver - we pay our respects to those past, present, and future. We also acknowledge this statement is not enough and are committed to giving a portion of our proceeds to the people whose land we occupy and are in the process of getting a true land reverence. 

Transcript

Kendle: Hey, y'all. You're listening to no Offense and a loving and nourishing space created to fuel conversations around personal and collective liberation. We're Kelly Kendle, having vulnerable and intentional conversations full of humor, empathy, and, of course, love. 

Kelly: Honestly, these episodes are just our opinions, so take no offense, and we invite you to explore yourself through our words, help grow our community by leaving a review and most importantly, sharing. Now let's get into some self-loving.

Kendle: Hey. 

Kelly: Hi. 

Kendle: I feel like I've seen you so often, and we just don't talk about anything else that's going on. 

[laughter]

Kelly: When I met Greg on Sunday, I had to ask him. I was just like, how are the mushrooms? I've been dying to ask you how the mushrooms are, and I haven't been able to ask you because I don't want to hear the story. But I was just like, how were the mushrooms? 

Kendle: What did he say? 

Kelly: I won't spoil it because I want you to share, but I can't ask you anything. But I was like, I have to ask Greg. 

Kendle: That’s what Im like every day. I'm like, I hope Kelly is doing okay, because I feel like I need to check in with her, and then she needs to check in with me. But we just have this rule where we can't talk to each other unless we're recording. you can send carry your pigeon. 

Kelly: I know. Same. I'm like, I wonder she's okay. I need to check on her because I know we've both been struggling, and I'm like, I want to ask, but I can't ask 

Kendle: It’s the most loving relationship, however, there has to always be a recording device. Kelly: It's not true love unless you capture it. It's only for the gram. 

Kendle: Do it for the gram. Yeah. Or do it for the tick. What's Tik Tok's nickname? 

Kelly: I think it's just TikTok. TikTok the Tok. No, I don't want to sound old. I feel like I sound old. I can't. It's just TikTok. 

Kendle: The TikTok. 

Kelly: The COVID. 

Kendle: the Facebook. Also, we're sitting on a couch. It's a leather couch. So is it us farting or is it the couch? You guess. Let us know. DM me how many times you think I've farted? 

[laughter]

Kelly: I do have to say I'm very proud of you, Kenny. We've challenged each other to post on social media, and Kendle has been thriving. 

Kendle: I have not been thriving. 

Kelly: Just accept it and say thanks. 

Kendle: Sorry

Kelly: Don't apologize either. Just say thank you. 

Kendle: I receive it. I'm trying. Yeah. It is hard. 

Kelly: It is. 

Kendle: So my ego is like, how many people saw it and how many people liked it, and why did they comment? It's like, I want to know, and I want to see, and what are other people doing? And it just sucks you in. 

Kelly: Let's just be very cognizant of how much time I'm spending and when I'm on there, like, ensuring that I'm on there for a reason for purpose. 

Kendle: Yeah. 

Kelly: Which is to share. 

Kendle: Yeah. I try and be on it as little as possible. 

Kelly: Only if I'm working, I'm still getting sucked into it because sometimes you just get bored. Right? That's like a natural habit for me, for sure. But I did put so I was changing some of my folders on my iPhone to be Affirmations. I like it. So all my little social media platforms, I thought, I am making money. So like right, if I'm using it, it's so I can make money and it's not so I can get trapped in the rabbit hole. My mental health goes down and I'm just wasting all this time like no. 

Kendle: For using social media as an intentional tool to create community. 

Kelly: Community. But it's like a business purpose, right? I'm on here for business reason because I don't find a lot of joy connecting via Facebook, Instagram, any of those platforms. I enjoy having community in person. 

Kendle: Yeah.

Kelly: I want to go to dinner, I want to hang out, I want to be with that person. And I feel like social media has taken so much of that away and that's just not how I connect with people. I don't connect with liking or commenting. If you want to hang out, I'm there. 

Kendle: I know. Give me a phone call. I love phone calls. 

Kelly: I do too. When I was little, did you just always like middle school? I was just always on the phone. I remember when my dad was like, you're getting your own landline because you're tying up the landline. I think this is elementary school, but I had a Char. It was like the clueless share phone and I could talk to it. It was horrible because you had to be connected to the wall. But I had it in my purple inflatable chair that I had in my room. And I remember you could like talk to people and if someone picked up the line they'd be like, someone is listening. Or I could push the buttons and be like, whatever. I still love that phone. And it even had a retractable thing that hooked up to your ear so you can be like kind of cordless. 

Kendle: That's hilarious. I just have this vision of you in this inflatable purple chair amazing. With your headpiece on, just like talking, sitting there, prophesying this honestly, this moment. Kelly: Your girl just loves to talk. It's such a beautiful way to connect with people, to just check in and to just exist. 

Kendle: I love quality time. Quality time is so huge for me and that doesn't always necessarily involve conversation. However, if I haven't seen the person forever being able to sit, as you said, with them, even if it's just on the phone, just that time, it's so important to me. 

Kelly: I agree. I think sometimes it's hard for me to curate friendships because friendships have adapted and evolved so much into social media and I'm like so not about it like that. I swear I'm the best friend. I'm just not going to be the one that's liking yourself all the time and staying in tune with you like that. I want to be able to, like I said, go to dinner. Let's talk about it. Let's go to happy hour. Let's have drinks. I want to hear about all the things that you're doing. I want to be able to see you and have that connection and feel you. I just don't vibe with social media like that, but I'm learning. I'm using it in my own way. I'm understanding that it is an important way to connect with people because that's just how life has evolved. So I am proud of you for posting. 

Kendle: Thank you. I'm doing my best. 

Kelly: Yes. And that's all we can do, right? 

Kendle: And I think the thing is, it's like it's going to come in waves. Sometimes we're going to be able to post a lot, and sometimes we're not going to post at all. And it's just accepting whatever is in the moment is just playing with it, having fun with it, allowing it to be fun. 

Kelly: Yes. 

Kendle: Which is all, again, that shift in perspective. And so I really love that you changed your folders to Affirmations. I liked naming my folders, like, random things, and I think just that visual reminder of I am this, I am this when we're on our phones, these things that we use for everything, 

Kelly: like all my video editing stuff, I used to Facetune stuff. I'm not FaceTuning anything anymore, but I will go into lightroom to enhance the color, quality, those types of things. And so all of those types of little apps I put, I am creative because I'm now going in and I'm like altering and fixing. So, yeah, I haven't changed all my folders, but I was like, okay, let me do little steps to see if I can like this more. 

Kendle: Yeah, I love that. What gave you the inspiration to do that? 

Kelly: TikTok. 

Kendle: Oh, TikTok, speak of the Devil. The tok.  

Kelly: Yeah, I think it was some girl. I don't know who the creator was, but she did all of her folders and they were beautiful. Affirmations. I wish I had the video and I could share the creator that did it. I was like, oh, that's a cute idea. I want to change mine. 

Kendle: That's fun. What else has been going on in your world? Do you want to do rose bud thorn peak and pit 

Kelly: peek and pit? Oh, gosh, that's hard. Yeah. I think the pit has been my unwavering emotional stability. It's been on and off. It has been better. Recently. I think Acupuncture has been helping. She even asked today. She's like, how your mood's been? And I was at the office, which is giving me so much anxiety. There's something in the office that as soon as I walk in, it's just instant, like, just drained everything from my soul. And so I staged it. That helped. And then I think also just after speaking to Elizabeth in that interview and giving some of her self love tools about talking to my inner child. So I've been talking to her at least every morning or at night or both. And trying to just reconnect with her and give her safety and try and heal a lot of that. Like forgiveness. Peace. Trying to have her forgive me. Really. Nothing was my fault. But just like. Hey. We're good. You're safe. I see you. I'm sorry all those things happen to you. Whatever it is that gets called to me when I'm actually trying to close my eyes and hold my heart and connect with her, and I try to take her on a little date. We were watching the season ending of Love Island, and I got my popcorn. I was in bed and I was like, holding her. I was like, girl, do you want to watch the season ending with me? Let's see who wins. So I was trying to take her on dates, and I had that morning that I talk to you and I was like, my mental health, it's spiraling again. But then some of the other tools that we dived into with Elizabeth was she tries to tap into her spirit guides, and she allows music in the morning to kind of come through. And I was really trying to sit there in the morning with gratitude, focusing more on my breath. I had the Sound Bowl music playing, and then I got in the shower and I was like, okay, I'm going to listen to my favorite book because I haven't listened to it in a while and I don't remember where I stopped it last. So I just picked a random chapter and it immediately started talking about gratitude. And I was like, oh, it's a sign the universe is talking to me. This is why I've been so crazy for a long time when I felt like I was really consistently working on my mental health and I was on that good routine before covet and honeymoon and all of that stuff kind of threw me off of my normal day to day. Was I've been forgetting to be more grateful? The little things, having the gratitude, just every little piece of my day and every person in my day, everything in that day, I need to express more gratitude and have more gratitude. Yeah. So I think that was the pit. But it's been good, right? It's been nice. At least, I think, just to be like, okay, I'm in this place. It's okay. Let's just figure it out. We're not going to completely melt down. Even though I was this close to really just not doing well. But I had an epiphany also while I was at work. I was on TikTok. I was on TikTok and I was watching this video of this artist. He was in Somewhere on the streets. I think it was in New York. And he was singing and Kendle. When I tell you he had the most beautiful voice, it just chills, right? Instantly, just the most beautiful tone, everything. And he was singing the song that I walked down the aisle to, which is Can't Help but Falling in Love. And I found myself wanting to resist tears. And I think I do that all the time. I want to cry and I resist. I'm like, no, I'm not going to cry. Stop crying. Like, what are you doing? You're at work. That's so dumb. Whatever it is that I'm feeling that wants me to stop crying and I had that epiphany in that very moment was like, this is what's wrong. I should just cry. It's a happy tear. Why am I resisting that emotion? Plus, we all know tiers are a way that we kind of purge some of those emotions. Whether they're good or they're bad, they're just a release tool. But when I was little, I was always punished for crying unless I was bleeding and actually having a quote, unquote reason to cry. That was the only time that it was acceptable that I wasn't allowed to just emotionally cry. And I'm like, okay, we're tapping into something now. If I feel like I want to cry, I'm just going to do it. I don't care anymore. And that's a nice little epiphany I felt like I had. 

Kendle: That's a huge epiphany. Have you spoken to your inner child about it?

Kelly: I honestly don't remember. I should probably really tap in and really talk to her about it. I think I may have for just a second, but I will. I'm going to do that tonight. 

Kendle: Yeah. I mean, I think just telling her it's okay to cry, I give you permission to cry. I'm here for you. Express yourself. Giving her that because you're parenting her, you're reparanting her and so letting her know that she's feeling some kind of way. So this kind of verges into something I just experienced, if that's okay. 

Kelly: Yeah. 

Kendle: In therapy today, she did not touch me. I haven't seen her in three weeks. And we started talking about just a lot of things. It's kind of like dumping per usual. And I had a lot of epiphanies the past few weeks as well that I wanted to share with her. And I realized there's a huge part of me that is just waiting for my dad and I can't wait for him anymore. And so we kind of started diving into that. And she calls it parts work. So it's actually like a theory. It's tried and true. She's done it and she's said that this work changed her life and it's kind of what you've begun to do. And I think I've sort of been doing it as well a little bit. So she basically is talking about how when there's trauma, if you can envision that our soul is a mirror. And the trauma comes and it hits it, and the mirror shatters. And parts of us, parts of our soul are like, I can no longer be here. And so then we have to go through a process called soul retrieval. And that's sort of what parts work, is identifying these parts of us that are off far in the distance, so this younger version of you and inviting them back into the circle and starting to work with them. She said it's very, like, layered, and there are many parts to it, and I'm just kind of scratching the surface of it. But it's like, you have this part of you who was told that you can't cry, and so then you have these protectors in front of you, and that's a people pleaser. It's a perfectionist. It's whoever it might be. And she said, then we also have these managers who are the ones that are like, okay, you gotta keep working. Nobody talk right now. No, we don't cry right now. Like, type of thing, kind of holding that altogether. And so it's then going in as you've been doing and talking. So, like, identifying I believe this version you've been working with yourself is six years old. 

Kelly: About I've been trying to focus on the six year old just because that's what Elizabeth had to start with. But I did notice the other day a different issue, and it was more of like, the preteen teenage. And so I was like, okay, instead of resisting and saying, no, where's the six year old? Come here? I was like, no, this is who I'm supposed to be talking to right now, so I'm going to talk to her right now. It's that preteen girl instead of this little six year old girl. 

Kendle: Yes, I love it. Yes, you're already doing it, right? Because she said there's so many ways to do it. And in the beginning, it's kind of just recognizing, like, oh, that's a part of me. Let me bring her, let me talk to them, let me do whatever. And she said, the whole thing is that we're supposed to be doing it from the seat of our higher self. And we know we're in the seat of our higher selves. When we're calm, when we're cool, when we're collected, and finding ways to tap into that, and that's kind of where it starts, is acknowledging, oh, I feel that peace. And she said, there's certain things that someone could notice, right? For me, it's like my heart space is very like, I keep it very guarded, so it's very constricted. And when I'm in my state of my higher self, it's much more relaxed. Certain parts of my mind are much calmer. There's an essence of peace. So noticing that and then beginning the conversation and she said, one way you can do it is with your dominant hand writing from the place of higher self. So first tapping into it and saying, high preteen self, high six year old self, high three year old self. I'm here for you. What do you want to talk about today? Or how are you feeling today? And then with your nondominant hand writing in response, just with whatever comes, she's like, it doesn't have to make sense. It could just be a feeling. Whatever it is, just allow it to flow through and kind of building that relationship. And she said that there's so many people who have parts of us that are not even human. Some people have elves or a tree or an animal or something. And there's just all this essence of our soul that we're trying to heal and bring back together so that we can ultimately be our whole selves move from the seat of our higher self. You just gave me my goal of life. It was wild. And I was thinking about you and, like, Elizabeth and what we've been talking about and kind of shared with her that I've sort of been doing that and I didn't even realize it. And she continues to blow me away. And I'm so excited that we're going to have her on the podcast soon. She's amazing. I think it's cool, just like, to be able to identify what the work that you're doing, it's called Parts Work, and you're doing it, and here's a couple more tools and ensuring, you know, just like doing it from the seat of higher self, which it sounds like you have been doing. 

Kelly: I mean, two pieces to what you just said, which I think are so fascinating, is I know we talk about this. I love that, right? We have a spiritual piece that comes from someone like Elizabeth where you talk to your inner child all of these things, but at the same time, you have a professional therapist that studies the mind, all of these things, and it actually is a very scientifically proven way of how your brain actually works. So I just love how those two things are same but different. Yes. It's not just super woo woo and it's just like a spiritual thing and it's like all this BS. No, it really is a scientific way of helping yourself heal. The other thing that you said that I thought was super fascinating was, okay, write with your dominant hand and write with your non dominant hand. And immediately, I don't know, but I'm assuming that's also something with your brain, right? Using your right and your left side of your brain and how that works with I'm not sure, but did you ask that question? Did you elaborate in that? Kendle: She told me that it's like helping connect into the creative part of your brain when you're using your non dominant and I've done that work before, actually, in this book, Fighting White Supremacy through Spiritual Activism, called Do Better. And she has us do that in some of her prompts. And for her, it's a connection to the heart as well, because you're not necessarily less automated. It's less second nature. It's more of just like, just let it be. And she said, don't worry about how it looks. Don't worry about what's being said. Don't worry about any of that stuff. Just let it come out and let it flow. She's very spiritual, so I think a lot of her practices are informed by both sides of it. But something that she kept referencing today was and we all have, like, this biological attunement to our parents. It's very natural for the most natural things. And she finds that children of trauma often defend their parents, have this love for their parents that they can't help in some way. And so she's like, there's that biological part, like young me, who's constantly like, where's dad? Where's dad? Where's dad? And she said that I'm very ameshed with that younger version of self. And so I need to separate be in that seed of my higher self because the younger version of me is trying to attach to something, to dad, to whoever. And so I need to be the adult in the room, as we've talked about many times, and allow that version to attach to me, which is kind of what you've begun doing with your younger self as well, giving them all that. And she's like, the cool thing about parts work is you can be anywhere. She's like, you can be like, high three year old, high 14 year old, high 17 year old. Like, whoever's at the party, we're going to our beach house in Miami. Here are all your toys. Here's all the food you could ever want. Go play, go have fun. Go be. And it's all this internal rewiring reworking with these parts, and it's just like, so healing. And she's like, it's the inter psych work that we're doing. And within that, it's so cool. She's so cool. 

Kelly: What were some of the other epiphanies that you had, if you don't mind sharing, for going into therapy?

Kendle: So before Greg and I went to town, I was feeling very disconnected. And I realized that I was actually just feeling very disconnected from myself. And now I can identify that there was also a part of me that was the part of me that got cheated on and projecting that onto him and not feeling safe and secure in certain things. And then with the full moon, we kind of talked about this last catch up. I knew that I need to do some spell work, some time travel with my heart space and my throat and going back to events that I closed them down. And when we were in towse, it was a full moon. We were camping, and it came up over the mountains, and it was just so beautiful. And she was just speaking to me, and it was all about the heart and everything. And I know this but it's kind of not, like, rewitnessing of how closed or how protected I have my heart. And yeah, I think just like that constant fear. I'm so afraid to love him. I'm so afraid to allow for it to be something more. And how then I like and kind of like, waiting for something bad to happen. And I think the biggest epiphany, though, is I was born in Colorado Springs, so we drove through Colorado Springs, and both times, like, made me very emotional. And I was already emotional on the way home for another reason. And I just had that realization. It's like, none of this is about you, Greg. I just like, I want my dad to want me. I just want him to want me so desperately and that I need to continue my process of grieving. And that if I were to reach out to him, which I know we kind of talked about with the spirit of my grandmother coming through and talking to me about it, that I would be doing that for her because she feels guilty for her choices and that I wouldn't be doing it for myself. And so kind of had that realization that I would be rejecting myself, trying to get him to talk to me, which was always my boundary. It was like, I'm not going to feel good about engaging in a relationship with him if he cannot own our history, our past, and was kind of feeling that desire to just, like, cave, to just do whatever I can do to get someone to like me and recognizing that I was even doing that. Like with Greg, too. My younger parts self, right, they're a mesh with me. And I'm not sitting in the seat of my higher self. I have a hard time seeing that someone is just simply tired. I'm like, oh, what did I do wrong? How can I fix this? What was wrong? Just always thinking that I've done something wrong. And on our trip, we're together for five days, so there's going to be moments of like, he's tired and he wants to hang out by himself. I'm tired and I want to hang out by myself. And I could see myself being like, what did I do wrong? Like, having that fear and feeling very contracted and just trying to be like, he's just tired. it's nothing personal, but I couldn't stop it, and it kept getting louder. How do I get someone it's not even a full conversation with myself. It's more of just like this sudden action of like, oh, well, maybe I should give him a blowjob. Just like something that will make the person like me in whatever way. But yeah. So I think just a lot of those things, very subliminal background noise type of things that are kind of always there, that I don't necessarily give a ton of attention to. And just, again, a reminder of needing to create more space in my days for that and intermyra, and she gives me this practice right, of like, okay, well, we're going to be doing parts work and write with your dominant hand as your higher self and younger versions of yourself and giving them what they need and telling them they're loved and they're safe and beginning that relationship. 

Kelly: You were in house with Greg, right, for a long time on the ride home, whenever it was, did you kind of have open communication with him about like, hey, I was feeling like this, I was feeling like a way did you share any of those emotions with him? 

Kendle: Yeah. So Sunday night we went to super delicious, really cute place for dinner and had a really nice dinner. And then later in the night, something in my mind just shifted and I just was in all of a sudden this really negative space and kind of communicating that to him. And then into the next day we were leaving and I was feeling weird about it. So we kind of started talking about that. And then in the car I was kind of still feeling like that's some kind of way. It's just like, I've got something wrong. When we're getting at home, he's not going to want to hang out with me anymore, like type of energy. And I was like, you want a blowjop Kelly: while he's driving? 

[laughter]

Kendle: Yeah. So he was like, no, because he had to poop but he told me why. And so then I take it very personally and then also at the same time, we're about to drive through Colorado Springs and so I'm just like so just sad and kind of like, what's going on? Pulls it out of me because I'm like, I don't want to talk right now. It was good to talk about because through that talking I had that epiphany of like, oh, I just really want my dad to acknowledge that I'm alive. Yeah. 

Kelly: So, yes. He's like, babe, I just have to poop. Literally, like, I would love a blow job, but I have to shit, girl, you just fucking say that, right? I know that's embarrassing. I know. Especially like a newish relationship. My husband and I don't even fart in the same room with each other and it's been eleven years. 

Kendle: Oh my God, I'm challenging you to fart In the same room. 

Kelly: No, Absolutely not. 

Kendle: Why? 

Kelly: We've never done it. And honestly, I love our relationship because we don't do it. If Allen were to start doing that no. And in Allenn's mind, he's like, girls don't fart. And I'm like, well, in my mind, boys don't fart either. 

Kendle: I really want to unpack that. Let's dissect all of this. 

Kelly: We can dissect it later. 

Kendle: We're going to have a whole episode on farts starting in September. 

Kelly: I don't know. Yeah, well, my mom's funny too, because my mom farts all the time and I'm calling her out right now. A lot of. The time they stink. And she loves to hot box a car with them. And I'm like, mom, she won't tell me. She'll just like, silent but deadly. It's like, mom, I got to roll down the window. But she's always like, do you do it? I've never heard you do it. Never fart in front of your mom. Oh, my gosh. I don't do it. 

Kendle: You don't fart? 

Kelly: No, I don't do it in front of anybody. 

Kendle: Do you have stomachache all the time then? 

Kelly: No. I mean, every once in a while sometimes maybe. But no, I do it privately. I'm a lady. Kendle: Oh, my God. It's a fucking patriarchy. 

Kelly: I'm a lady. I feel like it's just one of those threads in the relationship. Can we have just, like, one little bit of mystery? I just don't need to know if you're pooping or farting. I just don't. Kendle: For me, I'm like, did you just poop? Did you fart? I'm like, yes, finally. Fart in front of me. 

Kelly: Oh, we digress. 

Kendle: We digress. 

Kelly: But I can totally see how youre feeling that way. I think it's relatable. I think I've experienced what you've experienced before, especially in a new relationship. I remember that in the very beginning of my relationship, and I remember specifically being called out, my thing was always I wanted to argue, I wanted to start something. I was in a toxic, abusive relationship before, right? So our main forms of communication and passion and love or whatever you wanted to define it as was always through anger and fighting and yelling and the drama. And when I got into a healthy relationship with a stable person, that's grounded, and I would find myself in those ways, I'm not getting the attention I want. Let me start something. I'm feeling some type of way, I'm feeling insecure. Let me start something, whatever it is. Instead of having open and honest communication, I'm just going to do something because I'm feeling in my head. And my husband now, I remember him calling me out, and he was just like, why are you trying to start a fight for no reason? I'm so confused. If he wants us to work, you need to stop. And it was such a jarring thing for him to just say to me. And it wasn't mean, it wasn't aggressive. It was just very matter of factly. And after that, I consciously had to stop thinking in that way. Yeah, I can't be in this cycle that's going to push him away. I don't want to push him away. There's no point to fight. And I mean, he would never really do anything that would want me to do that. But it was that projecting of this past relationship, of all the things that he did in the past, now I'm projecting on what my now partner is going to be doing to me. And it's not the same. They're two different people. It's two different relationships. 

Kendle: Yeah. However, you're the same, though, and that's kind of what we were talking about earlier with the enmeshment and that version of you in that abusive relationship was a mesh with the version of you now and learning to separate as you kind of did. Right. I feel like we've all done a little bit of parts work without knowing we're doing parts work and giving that version of self what they need because we can heal. Maybe not that actual relationship with that abusive partner. However, what Maira is saying is that I can get to a point we can get to a point where when I think of my father, I can not just say I forgive him and that I have love for him, that I can actually embody it and have less of an emotional charge with it. Yeah. Just like, cool because you're already doing the parts work. Good on Alan for calling you out. I don't know if you all know this, but Kelly and I are both heavy aquarius, so we're in the air a lot and we need some grounding. 

Kelly: All of my signs are in the airy. Oh, he had more ways than one. Yes, I do need that grounding. I need that capricorn energy that's just so stable and solid. I mean, not only did it help just like me being an air sign, but also all of that trauma and the abuse that I endured and the inconsistency that I've always had in all of my relationships that I have someone so stable and so grounding now that we're I mean, we love each other, we get each other and sometimes now it's frustrating. I'm like, why are you so grounded? Like, just be in the air with me sometimes. I love what I'm here for. Yes. At one point I really needed it, but now I'm like, I just want to lift you off of the ground and have you float with me. No. Okay. He wants to do it sometimes, though. I know. I told him he was a Leo yesterday because I finally looked up his sign. I was like, so you're not actually in a Capricorn. Like, I found out your sun is Capricorn, your moon is cancer, your rising is Leo. So you're actually a Leo? And he was like, no, I'm a Capricorn. That makes no sense to me. And I'm like, here we go. Come in the air. I'm going to enlighten you. 

Kendle: Leo is what? 

Kelly: Fire. They are fire. Yeah. 

Kendle: And cancer is water. 

Kelly: So I thought that was interesting, too. He has ground, fire, water. He has way more balance. Always speaking, that balance. I know you were on vacation with Greg. Yes. I have to ask, how are the mushrooms? 

Kendle: Yeah, so they were good. I think I would do it differently next time just because I know that I need to be in a very specific environment and feel very comfortable in order to surrender and to release and to let go. So at the beginning. We were with two of my friends that live there. Beautiful area, like on the river. And I could feel it, but I could also feel myself. Like, I don't want to feel it in this environment. I just was holding on to too much control. And so when we got back to our cute little trailer 

Kelly: check out her Instagram. It was literally so cute. She's going to post pictures of her little trip. So cute. 

Kendle: I am? Another homework assignment. 

Kelly: Yeah, you are. 

Kendle: Really? We had decided we were going to take more or whatever, and it was very chill. I just felt very free and lighting and that I just felt that I was so much more cognizant of each and every moment. Like, each and every moment and everything about that moment just held so much magic. Being looking through the chair onto the ground and seeing the rocks and just like the dimensionality and the layers of the things or looking up into the sky and freaking I mean. We know that it wasn't for us because everyone lives on this earth. But the moon that night and the clouds universe was giving it to us. Coming out from the mountains and where the clouds were and just like the little pockets of stars. And there was also like a meteor shower a couple of days before and so we saw a couple of remnants of the meteor shower and there's a fire. So it was good. Yeah. So I'm happy that we did that. We had really good sex afterwards that night too. 

Kelly: That was nice when we talked about it, right, I was like, is sex go down mushrooms? Because I've never done mushrooms. Yeah, it was yeah, for sure. I mean, I think that as everything I was just saying being so much more just in the present moment, in just that energy of love and awareness and just joy and peace and presence, like what that translates to in like a sexual romantic environment. 

Kelly: Was it like Avatar where you're like, braided hair is like one with the universe and you're like I don't know how to say this appropriately, but I'm indicating my round hand with my finger going in the round hand 

Kendle: penis entering the vagina. 

Kelly: Yeah. Was it like you just ate it and you were just one and it was like melted together? I don't know. Explain. I'm curious. 

Kendle: No. 

Kelly: Okay.

[laughter]

Kendle: But like I said, I would do dosage differently next time, so to be TBD. 

Kelly: Okay. I can't wait for this to work. 

Kelly: Yes. No, but it was good. It was just like I think for me more sensation. Like you could feel everything. Yeah. Right. We've talked about how our my erotic blueprint is energetic and everything I'm learning lately, it's just like I'm very energetic, number one. And so for me to kind of have that barrier removed of just like that guard that I think I subconsciously always just have just helped and just again, to be, like, in the present moment and not in the mind. And just like, here and also the foreplay of all of it, too, right? Like, the whole experience of it and just allowing myself to be like, oh, fuck, I really like him. Allow for those moments of just, like, looking, like, just existing with him and being like, shit. So I think that that kind of all contributes. 

Kelly: Do you think the ego kind of let go for a second and you can see the real version of what you're supposed to see without ego in the way?

Kenle: probably. Yeah. I mean, I don't think I was really thinking about if my ego here or not, so it's hard to put myself in that moment and see that. Yeah. I think that I just allowed, instead of tried to control or question or be mad at myself for not being a certain kind of way, just, like, allow the moment to just be moments to come in and moments to come out. 

Kelly: What was the best part of the trip? Did you wear lingerie? Did you bring it? 

Kendle: I did bring it. I did wear it. I wore it, like, the very last night, and then I ate so much, and I was not feeling cute. 

Kelly: Yeah, you got to have sex before the dinner, girl. 

Kendle: That's what I said. I was like, Next time, can we do this before we eat? 

Kelly: I know We were just talking about this yesterday, right? We were eating dinner last night, and we were at big meal. Like, we ate so much. It was so good. But Kendle's like, I need to undo my pants. And I was like, girl, been there, done that many times. And my husband is always like, oh, all right. That's what we're doing today. We're unbuttoning the pants. 

Kendle: I always unbuttoned my pants, always. 

Kelly: And men never have to do it, I feel like and it's just like it's the same thing if I have a big meal, like, I'm not feeling sexy. I'm feeling tired. I'm like, Bloated, I'm full. I am not trying to have sex. But yeah, always beforehand. 

Kendle: Yeah, now I know. 

Kelly: Yeah. Tip for you all. 

Kendle: Yeah. A tip for everyone. Eat. Excuse me. Have sex, then eat. Especially if you know you're going to have a big meal. Yeah, because then I would have gotten dessert because I was like, I'm so full. And I was like, I don't want to be more full. 

Kelly: You don't have a little dessert spot? 

Kendle: We ate so much. I know. 

Kelly: You don't have a little dessert spot. 

Kendle: Well, I do. Trust me. It's just not in that moment. I didn't not in the desserts were speaking to me fully. I think that was mainly what it was. 

Kelly: I hate wasting calories on a bad dessert. I really do. It's one of my pet peeves. I hate ordering dessert because then I eat it, and I'm like, that was such a waste of calories. 

Kendle: Wow, that's sad. 

Kelly: It doesn't happen often because I love sweets, but, like, yesterday was kind of a waste of calorie moment for me. 

Kendle: Oh, yeah. That dessert was okay. 

Kelly: It was average at best. I could do them without we live and we learned all I know never to order that again. 

Kendle: Yeah, we got sidetracked. The best part of the trip. I mean, the food there was so freaking good. We ate good. And I think just like I don't know if I can say this, but just kind of like the overall all of it, right. That much quality time and just. Like. Being able to be there and work on the podcast a little bit and exist in that space and get to introduce him to a couple of my friends. Like. The overall essence of it. I think. Was just very healing and nourishing being in nature. 

Kelly: Having your first trip with your partner. I mean. That's a big step. And that's a big way to kind of say. Like. Okay. Can we travel together? Because there can be stress, right? Traveling? Are you on the same schedule? Is one person going to be upset with the time? There's so many things right. To see how you work together on such a small thing. I'm glad you had so much fun. 

Kendle: Yeah, thank you. Yeah, it was good, for sure, because especially as we record this, we are one week, eight days, actually, from launching the podcast. We've been working a lot, and so it was nice to have some space from that to allow myself that balance right. And have some fun. Go enjoy. And I have that capricorn moon, so I'm very much work. 

Work, work, work, work, work - Why does it always circle back to riri? 

Kelly: It always circles back to riri. If you're listening, we would love to interview you. Oh, can I smoke with you, please? 

Kendle: Oh, my God, I love you. That would be amazing. Can you imagine? 

Kelly: I'm manifesting this right now, for cocreating with you. Rhiri. I love you, girl. I love you. Kendle: Have you still been naming your anxieties and fear Rihanna? Or has your name shifted? 

Kelly: She's shifted. I have realized that I don't talk to her very often, and I don't know if I'm not recognizing what fear actually is and I'm just pushing through it. I'm not having that association with, like, okay, I'm in fear right now. Let's stop and pause. Let's talk to it. I think maybe that's part of the issue, too, of why my ups and downs have been so chaotic. But I haven't really been talking to her, so I think I need to be more cognizant of, like, okay, how am I feeling? Is this anxiety? Is this fear? Let's take a minute. Let's stop. Let's talk to it for a second. Yeah, that's one thing that I've noticed that my body has not been able to associate as frequently. I can feel the illness in my body, I can feel the actual sensation of being sick, which I think attributes to the anxiety, which is anxiety, but I haven't been able to say, okay, let's stop. Let's talk to it. Oh, it's anxiety right now. Let's control it. It's fine. Let's talk to you, see what's going on. But I will be more cognizant of it. 

Kendle: Yes. Easier said than done as with all things, right? Especially I know August again has been pretty intense for everyone. July was intense. August is intense. Life is just intense. So we're just in that motion of go and do and be and exist. And so to actively create those moments in the day of checking in, it's a work in progress. 

Kelly: I was going to ask you because you were feeling in those moments with Greg and you're like, oh, my gosh, does he not like me? What's happening? Did you ever count to five? Kendle: I didn't. Yeah, I guess I associated the counting to five with I need to go get up and do something else type of thing, which is the same thing. Right. I did, though, when I was having like that really the last night after I ate so much and whatever, many things happened, I did eventually get out of bed, and I went stood and talked to the moon for a moment, and she calmed me down a lot and recentered me in the mind, though, that little seed, right? First that seed was planted. Now we just watered it. So it's growing. 

Kelly: Yeah, because it's a mind shit. 

Kendle: It is mind shit. 

Kelly: Mind shift. It is a mind shift. And mindset right. Mindset shift. The 12345 is like, okay, a lot of times. Yes. Am I scrolling to talk too long? Okay, I need to get up and do what I'm supposed to be doing or I'm going to go brush my teeth because I'm going to bed now. But it's also okay. I'm trapped in these thoughts. 12345. Talk about something else. Shift it. Do something different. Instead of, do you want a blowjob? Which Greg is probably like, shut up, Kelly. Why do you want to give me a blow job all the time? 

Kendle: Which I don't want to say, I only give him a blow job just because I'm trying to make him like me. I enjoy giving a blow job. I actually really like it. 

Kelly: Yeah, but we've talked about this, and I know we'll talk about it many more times. Is that conditioning that I think a lot of women have had and I've had it in the abusive relationship, right? How do I get him to love me? How do I get him to want me? How do I get him to come to me instead of the other girls that he's cheating on me with or whatever? I'm going to use my body as a tool to get something that I want, but in actuality, it's not giving me anything but pain and heartache and trauma to my womb. 

Kendle: Yeah, I know. Breathe for a moment for our wombs. 

Kelly: Our wombs. For real though. I mean, gosh, it's like not only experiencing relationships like that, but witnessing relationships like that as well. And how does that affects everything that we do 100%? Yeah. I do want to say I feel like not allowing self to cry as we've talked about. I have that same thing today. Maira called me out. She was like, you've just been talking. I saw you move through all these emotions. I saw tears come into your eyes and you just kept going. Let's come back to that space if it feels safe. They're all muscles that we're like learning to break and to build in a different way. And it takes time. And I think just again, okay, we have that awareness and now next time it happens, can I sit and count to five with my tears and see if I want to keep sitting with them or do I need to redirect my thoughts or whatever it might be? Just finding ways to create more space in our days I think is easier said than done. But I feel like it's something I'm really needing recognizing. I'll do something really great one day, like a lot of work or something, but then I don't drink any water. It's like needing to find the balance between the two. It's hard. It is hard. 

Kelly: And I'm like you, too. It's funny, we're sitting at the dinner table and everyone's like, you're a Capricorn, you're a Capricorn. I know you're a Capricorn. And it's funny because I am very like work. And I was talking to Nadia about it and I'm like, it's not that I'm a Capricorn, it's that I live in my masculine. And it's that work, work, work, achieve, achieve, achieve, achieve. Push, push, push, push, push and relearning how to step back from that and come into business, come into my life, come into my relationships with more of that feminine energy. Because I can still create and produce and work. But it's finding that balance again and letting my masculine lead with it instead. 

Kendle: Yeah. And that's why I also love you're talking about retraining the mind and these muscles. 

Kelly: That's why I love this community that we are creating and all of this that we're putting out into the universe. Because we need reminders and to have something to listen to. Like I was telling you, I was relistening to the episodes because we have to figure out names and the descriptions and all of that and being able to circle back to these other tools and memories and conversations that we've had, it helped my spirit so much. I was feeling so low and then getting to listen to it and what we're saying and what we're giving to the universe is that's why I love this community. It's so helpful because it's hard to do it on your own and it's hard to break those habits and that muscle memory takes over, and your old instincts, your old ego, whatever it is, it's hard to break that. But to have someone there loving you, supporting you, giving you tools, pushing you, reminding you, it's just such a beautiful tool to have. 

Kendle: Yeah, absolutely. 

Kelly: So we listen to our episodes, which are amazing. I'm just saying 

Kendle: she's just plugging us a little bit. 

Kelly: Share with your friend. Whatever. Subscribe, like, follow, do the thing. 

Kendle: Only if you want to. 

Kelly: Well, you should want to do it because you love us. 

Kendle: Don't say should. 

Kelly: Okay. Just do it then. I'm just kidding. 

Kendle: I know. Oh, man. Yeah, no, I agree. I think it just continues to be such a gift to have these moments of reflection, to have just even that awareness of, okay, I am going to be airing out everything that I'm experiencing to help other people. And so now I'm just even more again, aware of that because I want to be as vulnerable and as raw and as real as possible. It just continues to reveal itself how beautiful and magical and mystical it is. So I hope that everyone feels those energies and yeah, I'm just grateful to be here. 

Kelly: Do you have anything else you want to share on your catch up? 

Kendle: I don't think so. Yeah, I feel like I talk about most of it. What about you? 

Kelly: I think the only little plug in I'll put is the pop up shop. 

Kendle: Oh, my goodness. Yeah, we had a pop up shop and launch party at Cosmic Tea. Of course. 

Kelly: Thank you. Elizabeth, she's just a queen, and I just love her mindset of share selective resources. It's just so refreshing. And I remember the conversation we had with the person that was doing the dunks. That was kind of the first I think the impression that I got was that was the very first time they've ever been to Cosmic Tea that they've ever been surrounded even by. I think. The group of people that Cosmic Tea brings. Which is all about collective and love. And to see how lit up they were. How you could just see that they've never really experienced that type of community. It was so beautiful. I don't know if you remember if you caught that with our conversations with them. Honestly, it was a blessing to have it there. Cosmic Tea, elizabeth is such a beautiful soul. And to be able to give someone a place of community and acceptance, no matter who you are, what you look like, as long as you are meeting love, that space is for you. But the pop up shop was there. It was great. It was fun. It was the launch of my business. 

Kendle: Yeah, you sold some jewelry, 

Kelly: I made some money. 

Kendle: There's people out there wearing your stuff. 

Kelly: I know. I made some schmoni baby and sent my website to my mom today. She was like, I went to it. What is it? What did you send me? I'm so confused. I think that's my daughter in all of these pictures. Is that you? And I'm like, yes, mom, that's me. And she was like, how did you get that? And I was like, I built it. She's like, what do you mean built it? I'm like, Allen built the website. I sourced manufacturers and made sure quality was there and purchased and picked, like, everything. I built it from the ground up. And she's like, that is awesome. And telling my grandma that I launched it because a big portion of the inspiration was my grandmother and how much she loves gold and how jewelry and gold that makes me feel connected to her and trying to explain to her what, like, an ecommerce business is and how you buy something online. And she's like a catalog. So you have a catalog of things that you can shop through. And I'm like, yeah, basically it's on the website. And I sent the link to my uncle so he can hopefully walk her through a little bit of what it looks like to shop through the catalog. It's been really fun and it's been exciting. Imposter Syndrome. Like, crazy, but a blessing. And so amazing. So huge. 

Kendle: So huge. 

Kelly: Yeah. 

Kendle: So huge. 

Kelly: That was my one last thing. 

Kendle: Yeah. Thank you for bringing us back to that. We talk about metamorphosis all the time, right? And, like, such a tangible, external representation of the metamorphosis that you've been going through. And such a huge accomplishment to have people witness your product, have people purchase your product, to have your website being shared and to share with family. 

Kelly: I know. I was laying in bed with Allen and we're talking about the website. It was before we launched, and we're trying to get all this stuff done, and we were working late, and I was just laying there in bed with him, and I was like, I just created something out of nothing. That's magic. That is totally magic. Yeah. So it has been a blessing. It's caused a lot of heartache, but I think the things that matter always kind of do. Yeah, it will. See imposter Syndrome, I think a lot of my mental health and I'm telling Allan how I'm feeling. It's so hard for him to understand because he just sees how amazing I am, right. And how I've created something out of nothing. And he's just like, Why do you think those thoughts? Because I'm telling him I'm excited and I can't believe it. And I have this resistance against accomplishing it and actually having it finally come to fruition, especially after all of this time that it's really taken because of the depression last year and all of that. And I'm just telling him, I'm like, yeah, because I just get these thoughts of, like, you're not shit. You're nothing. Like, you can't do this. This is not real. You are incapable. Like, I get all of these thoughts and he's just like so shocked. He's like, Why? How? I don't understand. Like, you are, you did it. But it's that battle of the imposter syndrome, right? I'm not worthy. I can't believe I can do this or I've gotten it this far, but that's as far as it's going to go, that type of energy. So really having to sit in gratitude. We've talked about this. Enjoy the process instead of always thinking about that. And it's like, let's just sit here and enjoy and remember the journey to get there. 

Kendle: Yeah, revel in the fact that you built this website. Like, go through the pages of it and just witness it holding the jewelry in your hands, watching the video of your first purchase happening and yeah, just allowing yourself kind of like with your wedding, right? Like, this is now a data point for when those thoughts come up to be like, oh, no, no. Remember that day? People bought it. People are wearing it. This happened, this is real. And just continuing to build that muscle, build that mindset. Easier said than done, as everything is. But my heart goes out to you that you've been battling through all that stuff. Thank you for sharing and for pushing on and for not allowing those thoughts to control. 

Kelly: Yeah. 

Kendle: Boss ass bitch, boss ass bitch. 

Kelly: Well, thank you, everybody. Thank you, Kenny. 

Kendle: Thank you. I love you. How many times did we fart? Leave it in the comments. DMs, let us know. Farts for all. 

Kelly: We love you. 

Kendle: Love you. All go farts.

Kendle: Thank you for holding space for this conversation. We hope it was expansive. As a new podcast, it would mean the world if you could please help us grow our community by leaving a review and sharing this episode. 

Kelly: Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on any of the juicy conversations. We would love to connect with you. So follow us on Tik tok Instagram and our patreon coming soon.