Reasons Why My Abortion Was a Blessing to My Life Path

2 

Activation warning: this episode dives deep into an abortion story.

Did you know you can have your period while pregnant? We sure didn’t. Do you think abortion is self-love? We sure do!! 

In this episode, Kendle courageously takes us through her experience of having an abortion. She speaks about what she learned can happen from being pregnant, why she didn’t tell the person who’s sperm it is, the lessons she took from the experience, and how life events from years prior led to this moment. As laughter is a trauma response and often generated when the only thing one can do is laugh, we invite laughter into this conversation. 

We also talk about: 

• The unparalleled impact abortion control has on BIPOC communities 
• How it is actually pro-choice vs. no-choice 
• How energy impacts the womb 
•  Societal conditioning womxn undergo to value men’s pleasure over their health 
• Mantras to remind ourselves we are worthy and enough simply because we exist 

*Please note: we recorded this episode 2 days before Roe v. Wade was overturned. A portion of the proceeds from this episode will go to organizations womxn’s health / abortion care. 

Resources: 

Planned Parenthood
Cobalt Abortion Fund

Find the full episode transcription here

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We acknowledge we are operating on the occupied land of the Ute, Arapahoe, and Cheyenne peoples colonized as Denver - we pay our respects to those past, present, and future. We also acknowledge this statement is not enough and are committed to giving a portion of our proceeds to the people whose land we occupy and are in the process of getting a true land reverence. 

Transcript

[music]

Kendle: Hey y'all. You're listening to no Offense and a loving and nourishing space created to fuel conversations around personal and collective liberation. We're Kelly Kendle, having vulnerable and intentional conversations full of humor, empathy, and of course, love. 

Kelly: Honestly, these episodes are just our opinions. So take no offense and we invite you to explore yourself through our words. Help grow our community by leaving a review and most importantly, sharing. Now, let's get into some self-loving.

[music]

Kendle: Hey, what's up? Hello. So today, as you all have probably already inferred from the title, we are talking about a very activating triggering, heavy topic. We wanted to acknowledge and give that warning before we dive into the episode. We also felt called to acknowledge that this is one of the first episodes that we recorded, and we recorded it only a couple of days before Roe v. Wade was overturned.

You all will hear us talk about a potential shift in abortion control. And as we all know, that has obviously shifted. And due to that shift, an opinion that I said during this episode has also shifted. You all will hear me talk about how I agree with limitations around abortions when the fetus is viable outside of the womb around 24 weeks. I no longer believe in that limitation at this time because abortion is under attack. It is being attacked, it is being crucified, it is being weaponized. And due to that, due to the extreme limitations that are occurring, it is going to be incredibly difficult for women living in those states to receive an abortion because they're going to have to travel. And all of our systems are going to be really inundated in states that do allow abortions. So we can't have any limitations in the states that are giving abortions to those who are in states that are going to have fans. And that's what we're about here. We are about our opinions changing. We are about growing and evolving and learning and shifting, especially as the world around us is shifting. Again, this conversation is going to be activating and I just want to invite and encourage everyone to try to be aware of how they're feeling during this episode. To pause it when you need to, to make a cup of tea, to drink water, give yourself a hug, go put your feet in the ground, do what you can to take care of yourself. Know that we love you. Know that on Monday we'll have a self love episode and we just appreciate y'all listening, y'all being here holding space. Alright, I am going to send you all into the episode now. I'll see you on the other side. 

Kendle: So today we are talking about my experience with having an abortion. And the intention of today's episode is to share that experience to naturalize, to normalize the experience of it, to share lessons, things I learned that I really feel women need to know. And yeah, just expose people to a story about it, truth about it, a lived in experience about it. As we know, these times are a bit contentious around the subject matter. And I think that it's important that we have conversations, we talk about it. And so here we are. 

Kelly: Yeah, absolutely. I would just like to start off by saying that I'm proud of you and I thank you for being able to share this story because this is not a conversation to have, being a woman that's had to go through and experience it, but also sharing that experience is hard in itself. So I thank you. 

Kendle: Yeah. 

Kelly: This is a nurtured space where you can share this. And I think that the only person that knows this experience is you. And everyone has to respect that. 

Kendle: Yeah. 

Kelly: So I am excited to hear about it, learn from you, and hear what you have to say about everything because I have never had to experience that. 

Kendle: Yeah I receive that. Thank you. I'm definitely feeling in my body, right. I'm feeling anxious. My palms are sweating, my armpits are sweaty. I feel like tingly and tight in my throat, a little bit in my heart. And I think, okay, yes, I can acknowledge that. And I know that I'm having fear around sharing this. And I also know how important it is because it's not just my story. Yes. It's just my experience. However, it's not just my story. So many women have had to have an abortion and for it to be so victimized. I don't know if that's the word I want to use in this moment, but sinful and wrong and not okay. It's just the antithesis of the truth. And I know that I'm channeling all of the women who've ever had to have one who are here on this earth and who are no longer on this earth. And yeah, I will just start. I was how old was I? I had just graduated from college about, I don't know, six months prior. And I was struggling in life in general, that transition from being a student to not being a student was really, really difficult. And yes, I was 22, and it was the product of a one night stand, the product of me existing in a lot of self hatred and thinking that A, I was invincible in some capacity and B, that I just didn't really give a shit about myself or my life. And the choices I was making reflected that because I was drinking excessively, I was doing drugs, I was having unprotected sex. I just wasn't living a life that was loving to myself. And it was wild because I had no idea that I was pregnant. Not a single idea. I had a period. And so it really caught me off guard. And I was working at a doctor's office at the time, and I was just so sick every morning. Classic. Not even only in the mornings. I think it extended into the days, and I was just puking all the time, which I've always had a tendency to puke. And so at first it wasn't really concerning, and then I just couldn't stop puking, and I was like, okay, maybe there's something wrong here 

Kelly: But it can't be Im pregnant, because I'm having a period. Which is crazy. 

Kendle: Yeah

Kelly: that's insane. 

Kendle: It hadn't even crossed my mind that I could potentially be. I think it was back in my mind. I knew 

Kelly: when I get my period, I'm like, 

Kendle: oh

Kelly: when I get my period, I'm like, oh, I'm not pregnant. It’s like whoooo

[laughter]

Kendle: Right? Yeah, it's like hell yeah made it through another one. 

Kelly: So to be on your period. Yeah, absolutely. It's not something that really crosses a woman's mind, 

Kendle: For sure. And I don't think that's ever something I was taught that we as women can be pregnant and still bleed. It's not something that happens throughout the entire pregnancy. Within the first two months, though, it can happen.

Kendle: I got that green light. I was good to go. I was fine. It was something I don't know. I feel like 

Kelly: You said like that you sound like you knew. Right? 

Kendle: I think subconsciously I totally knew. 

Kelly: Intuition. 

Kendle: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it wasn't the only symptom, right? Like, my boobs were so sore, more sore than I have ever felt in a period. And I was like, that's weird. I didn't have the best insurance through work, and I think I was trying 

Kelly: classic. That is a topic to talk about later. Trigger warning for me. Okay. We just had this conversation the other day. 

Kendle: Yeah. And I was trying to go to Urgent Care because I just didn't know it was wrong. And I couldn't get into the Urgent Care because of work. There was just all these things, and I called the nurses hotline on the back of my insurance card. Just like, I need someone's input. And this woman I wish I remembered her name. She was just so sweet, full of love. She's like, honey, I'm asking something. She's like, do you think you could be pregnant? I was like, no, I had a period. And she was like, that doesn't mean you're not pregnant. And I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean? 

Kelly: Right? 

Kendle: She's like, before you do anything, before you spend money going somewhere, go get yourself a pregnancy test and check it out. I was like, Fuck, right. What we're told is how life is meant to go is not something I thought is going to happen anyway, I got the pregnancy test, went home, peed, and it like, immediately I was so pregnant that don't even have to wait the three minutes. Got you. You're fucking pregnant. 

Kelly: Like, the hormones are telling us clearly. 

Kendle: Yeah, like, so pregnant. I just like, Fuck. And knowing that immediately I needed to get into the Planned Parenthood as soon as I could. I don't think it wasn't ever not the choice, the option. 

Kelly: Shout out to Planned Parenthood. 

Kendle: Shout out to Planned Parenthood. I do want to pause on that because I know that that's not always the truth. It's not that it wasn't a hard decision or a hard thing to experience. It's just that I knew that that was the path for me very clearly. And I know that that's not always how it is for everyone. I remember I think I either called or texted my sister and told one of my friends and couldn't get into a Planned Parenthood around me for, like, weeks. And I found one, thankfully 45 minutes away to an hour. And I was like, yes, that's where I'm going. And it was a couple of days later, and so I just had to continue to sit in it. And I think I took the next day off of work. I just was like, I'm not going. I'm just going to lay in my bed and be really depressed. And, yeah, I went to the appointment by myself and shout out to plan parenthood again, because they have this whole chart where it's like, this is how much it costs. Tell us how much you can pay, we will pay the rest. And I was just, like, so grateful for that. And it's honestly a little blurry, which makes sense. I think the woman was very kind. She was very much like, Why are you here alone? Are you okay to be alone? And I was like, yeah, I chose to be alone. It's like a Friday afternoon or something. My friends had work and life, and I think I needed to do it alone in some regard. And I had chosen to do the pill version. So the pill version is you take a pill there with them and then you take a pill a certain amount of time later. And there's also drug or prescriptions that you can pick up. One I think was like a really high level Tylenol. One was something else. And I don't really remember. I think I probably just came home and I told one of my serious friend, who is my roommate at the time, Heather, she knew, and my friend Erin, and we just, like, watched movies and ate ice cream. And I know I was near and around the toilet and a lot of pain for a good majority of that night. It's not what I really remember. I just remember them being there and feeling like that love and that support. I'm trying to think if there's anything else from that time that stands out, the physical experience of it. I mean, it fucking sucks. Don't get me wrong. It's painful. It's inducing pretty much contractions and labor. I remember being curled up on the floor and however many hours later, it was over. Really wasn't over, though, I think and this is. 

Kelly: Kind of like the start of it, right? 

Kendle: Yeah, absolutely. It is the start of it. Yeah, I appreciate that because it totally is. Yes. I think one of the biggest things that remained were the hormones and that is not something that I was ever educated on, wasn't educated on until, I think, a year or so after the fact. And I was like, oh, the hormones from the pregnancy were still in my body for pretty much, I think it's three to six months. And they definitely are some type of experience. They make you feel a kind of way and make our response to life just very raw and sharp. And I think had I known that that's what was happening to me, I could have had awareness around it and managed it in certain ways. Well, maybe. Was I in a time in life where I was doing any of that kind of stuff? I don't really know. However, I could have just, like, being able to have a period while you're pregnant for the first two months, and then these hormones existing in our body for that long after, I feel like, are the two biggest things that I just want everyone, every woman to know 

Kelly: And the actual physical portion that your body still has to go through for that to happen. 

Kendle: Yeah, for sure. It was an experience, and I made the choice not to tell the person whose firm it was. I didn't think ever that I would. I knew that it wouldn't be supportive to me. I knew that it would just give me more anxiety. And I think part of that also was, like, I felt responsible for it, and I didn't want to put that weight on their shoulders because why? It just felt like something I didn't want to share in with that person. And I still do take full responsibility for it because I didn't ask or accept. I don't remember the night fully, like, wanting to have a condom. And that's for many reasons. Right. I think part of it was because it was genuinely experienced I needed to go through to really let me hit rock bottom, because I've been circulating rock bottom for a long time, and I remember there being, like, this little voice in my head, and I don't know whose voice it was. It didn't sound like a voice I normally have in my head. I hear a lot of voices, by the way. I don't know. 

Kelly: I don’t know. I’m like your spirit guides are talking to you. That’s what I'm thinking. 

Kendle: Maybe. But are they telling me, like, don't use a condom? Because that's literally what the voice said. The voice is like, you don't need it, don't use it. 

Kelly: Everything happens for a reason, right? 

Kendle: Exactly.

Kelly: It does take two to make a baby. I just want to make that clear. The fact that you harbor all of that is not just all on you. 

Kendle: Yeah, and I hear that, and I know that I think it just I knew that it wouldn't serve me to tell him that. It just would have made all of it way worse. 

Kelly: I mean, if that was the best decision that you felt like you needed to have in that moment. 

Kendle: Yeah. So is it my choice? 

[laughter]

It is your choice. How that falls into that is your body. You tell the story and then me, I'm like, oh, I can't believe she didn't tell him. I totally think he would need to know. All of that is how I feel. But when I listen to you, I just have to sit here and listen to you. If this is what you felt like you thought was best for you, that is what was best for you, not me. 

Kendle: Yeah. The whole point of this conversation, in a way. 

Kelly: Exactly. And there's a lot that I can learn from that. Just hearing that portion of the story is remembering that everyone's going to react to these things differently. And the fact that you did it shows so much love you actually had for yourself, even during that time, even when you felt like you didn't have any, you still had enough self love to be like, no, this is my experience. I'm in this situation, this is my body and this is my decision on what I want to do, what's best for me and also for the baby that may come into this life. 

Kendle: The fetus. 

Kelly: Yeah. See, to me, baby, you know what I mean? 

Kendle: Yeah. I think there was definitely a part of me that was like, I don't give a shit what he says either way because it's going to happen. I can't freaking have a child right now. And being a product of a very broken family, I always had very little desire to bring children into this world. And so it just wasn't ever something that I wanted. 

Kelly: There's so much pressure for a woman to have a baby. 

Kendle: Yes. 

Kelly: And when the baby actually comes, that's on us. When it comes down to it, it's always 100% having to be the mother that carries it, that breastfeed, that's a huge thing. So for men to have an opinion when you all can just leave yeah. Don't talk about it 

Kendle: 100%. 

Kelly: Just listen to the story and see what is best for that person, like I'm doing right now. 

Kendle: Yeah. I do want to say, I mean, I know that there's some instances where mothers have walked out or mothers can't breastfeed and fathers step in to do formula things. Whatever the situation is, it's that situation. And I don't think that we can apply one set thing to every single situation. 

Kelly: Yeah. 

Kendle: For me, it's always very much been, if the fetus is not liable outside of the womb, have your choice, do what you need to do. I was six weeks pregnant when I found out. That is what the deadline they're trying to create in certain states. I had had a period. So many things had happened that led me to believe that there was no way and was part of that denial. Sure. I know someone in college was pregnant the entire time and had no idea until like month eight or nine, something in that range. Had no idea. She thought she was putting on weight. 

Kelly: Wow. 

Kendle: People do not know always that they're pregnant, especially if they're not looking to be pregnant, if they're not seeking that pregnancy. It's all hard to swallow, I think, to know that I have privilege to say that I have lived in states that would have protected my rights regardless of the outcome of Roe v. Wade if this wasn't a year from now. And Roe v. Wade swings the way it's looking at might. That being said, though, feels very archaic. It feels very controlling. 

Kelly: Handmaid's tale. 

Kendle: I've never seen it. I have heard a lot about that and I get the right yes. And it leads me back to everything of just so much oppression that happens in women and how ultimately this decision is going to impact BIPOC communities far greater than any other community. Any other community being the white fucking community. What am I saying? That is literally every community sands white community.

[laughter] 

Kelly: It's not funny

Kendle: No, but sometimes it's funny because it's true. Sometimes it's funny because it's true. And there's nothing else we can do except for laughs. 

Kelly: Yeah. 

Kendle: So it's okay. I invite you, laughter into this conversation. I think that's how we get through. We laugh. And I laugh at the fact that it's pro choice versus pro life. Because I think that's some bullshit. To say that people who are pro choice, pro life, that we don't like life, I think is missing the point. People who are pro choice in my experience, speaking with people in my own experience as well, doesn't mean that we don't believe that people should be having babies, that babies are a gift. It means that I was choosing the lights that are already on this earth, that are already viable, already existing due to science. Yes. And also from the point of spirituality, I don't believe that a human is a human until it exits the womb in whatever capacity and it soul enters that child. That baby, the fetus, I just call him feet aside because I don't even know if that's how you plural make that word, plural. I'm going to go with you though.

Kelly: Fetuses  

[laugher]

Kendle: Yes fetuses totally

I think everything I just want to add an “i” to like pri-i. Anyway, back to my tangent. I really think it should be, and I hate the word should, I really think that it is in reality pro choice versus not choice at all. Because within the concept of choice, there is still a path that one can choose to not get an abortion. It just means that everyone else who would choose to do it, or whatever their situation is, and however they want to proceed, they can do so again with the limitations 

Kelly: and at least in circumstances of like rape and incest. 

Kendle: I mean, rape and incest, 100 fucking million percent. And then also in circumstances like mine where you just don't want it. I know we're going to talk a lot about energy in this podcast, and we'll probably do an episode specifically dedicated to it. This thing is growing. It has an environment around inside everything, and food is a part of that. What I'm intaking is a part of that. So many things are a part of that. And making up that is also the energy that is existing. And if I'm constantly, in all the cases of not wanting a child, for constantly saying, fuck, I don't want this, I don't want this. So many stressors. I have too many children. I won't be able to feed my children. If I add another one, I was raped. This is from whoever it might be. The energy that goes into that, that is not a loving and supportive and inviting environment for a new thing to enter into our Earth. And then what happens? There's just so much to it. It's not just this one time of having sex that has led someone to need an abortion. There are so many factors contributing to that and so many factors beyond that that need to be considered. It wasn't just that I had unprotected sex one time, and here I am having an abortion. It's like, no, that started years and years and years before from conditioning of valuing males pleasure more than not only my own pleasure, more than my own safety, more than my own well being, more than my own future, just more than me. Men don't like condoms. It doesn't feel good. So I want him to like me. I want him to have a good time. I want him to think that I'm good at sex, whatever it might be. So many of the things of trying to constrict self into these molds that we've created like shit, right? And then, I mean, there's a factor of when I turned 18, my parents had been separated for a very long time. I had been on my father's health insurance, and for various reasons, we basically have been estranged since I was nine years old. Sans insurance. And something happened in the midst that I believe led to this. Anyway point. I finished sports for the day at school, go drive up to CBS, pick up my birth control, being the responsible, sexually active, 17/18 year old that I was, and they tell me, your insurance isn't working. What do you mean? Well, it didn't work last time, and it's not running right now. You don't have it. It's no longer valid. If you want to pick up this insurance, it's going to cost, I don't know, it's probably somewhere between 300 and $400. 

Kelly: Shout out to Planned Parenthood

Kendle: Yeah. And I was like, oh, I do not have that. Okay, yeah, no, I don't want to pick this up. Thank you. It's literally how I found out I got kicked off of my father's insurance the day I turned 18, I was like, oh, so good. Love you so much, Dad. 

Kelly: If I known I would have picked it up yesterday - thanks dad! 

Kendle: and I just didn't go back on it. It made my body feel really terrible. And I think once I was off of it, it was kind of a sense of relief in some way. And I was with my boyfriend at the time and we'd been together for a while and I don't really remember. I mean, it was also around the time he cheated on me. So I don't really think we're having very much sex. And it's like I just never really went back on because after I ended up breaking up with him, I took a little bit of a hiatus from sex. And then when I started engaging in it again, when I was engaging in a lot of self destructive behavior, I just didn't give a shit. Again, it just led me to that moment of circumventing rock bottom. And now here I am, and I need to make some serious changes. And those changes took a long time to implement. I don't think it really happened until part of it living in Uganda, but honestly, being back here and reengaging with life in America somehow with the pandemic, somehow not. Yeah, I guess I just say all of that because it's not just this one instance of having this literally health visit. Like abortions are health care. It's not just this one time of going to the doctor. It's so much more than that on both ends of the spectrum. And it just sucks. That it's even a topic of conversation, and it's topic of conversation for many reasons. Huge part of it being control, being power, being white supremacy. And I know we'll dive into that and it was a very hard lesson I needed to learn. And I'm grateful for that and I'm grateful for what I did. I wouldn't change that if I got pregnant today. Would I make the same choice? It's hard to say. Maybe I just still don't think I'm in a place to have a child. I still don't want a child. I think I just am reflecting on your point of saying that even in those moments where I feel like I was existing in a lot of self hatred and this decision ultimately showed me that I was giving myself a lot of love. Because not only did I recognize that I didn't want to tell the person whose sperm it was, I also was choosing myself in that moment. And maybe people who disagree with this can understand that. Maybe you can apply the word selfish to it. However, I think that it's actually unselfish because for me to have a child when I'm not ready, prepared, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, so many factors. Not only was I choosing myself and choosing to give love to myself in that moment, I ultimately was giving love to the collective. Because all of our energies are mesh and so if my energy is this constant shit show, I'm going to say that because I felt like I was constantly a little bit of a shit show, like just not doing well. A child would have only added that magnified. 

Kelly: That's not good for the child. 

Kendle: No. That's not good for the future of our collective. It's not good for our current collective. It's not good for anyone to be forced to have a living, breathing, existing 

Kelly: human 

Kendle: physical body yes. Of life. Life is uncontrollable. Life is really freaking challenging and hard. And to put life into this tiny little body in an environment that is not set up stable, that is not set up to support it, that is not stable. It just sets everyone up for failure. 

Kelly: And that's how it's users control and why it's users control. 

Kendle: Yes. 

Kelly: Keep people in those scenarios that don't feel like they're in the space to have a child, that only keeps them down. Right. Because they no longer have that choice. An interesting argument I heard one time about abortion was a lot of the times they always talk about like, well, you could have taken that life. What about your child? Like, you took that away from them. They'll never have the opportunity. And the rebuttal to that is, what about my opportunity? Yeah. What can I change? How can I contribute? What if I'm not missing piece that will make things better if I don't have this baby? Yeah. So, again, having that opportunity to do what you know is best for your life and for your fetus life is a powerful thing. And to have someone else's opinion that doesn't know what that particular experience is for you in your scenario, that's why they should not be up for discussion. Yeah. It just shouldn't. 

Kendle: Yes, absolutely. And the language we use around it too, calling it a baby, right? Sure. At some point it is a baby. In the time that it is not viable outside the womb, it is not a baby. If anything, it's a freaking parasite. It's freeing off of me. It is draining all of my resources. Physically. 

I never heard anyone call a baby unborn or not a damn parasite, but okay.

[laughter] 

Kendle: well if you think about it is kinda is!!

I don't know. Language is so... 

Kelly: Manipulative. 

Kendle: It is very manipulative, very controlling. 

Kelly: Yeah, it is. It’s propaganda. And I know that we are going to continue talking about this, especially with some upcoming events happening. 

Kendle: Yeah. The impending decision from the Supreme Court and whatever it is, I think conversations still need to continue to happen. And I think abortion is self love.

Kelly:  As you were going through everything and sharing your story, thank you so much for having the courage and the strength and the vulnerability to be able to do that. Two pieces I thought was interesting and I definitely think we should talk about them later. But when you talk about birth control, I definitely think we should talk about birth control. 

Kendle: Yeah. 

Kelly: Our stories. Around that. Also some control aspects of women always have to do the birth control and the other thing and other piece was sex education. 

Kendle: Yeah. 

Kelly: What kind of sex education could you have had? Because I'm assuming you probably didn't have any or very minimal or very poor sex education because we're around the same age, so not really a thing. What kind of sex education could have helped prevent even getting to this place? Right. If people are so against having an abortion, what can we do then to prevent some of these abortions so women don't have to make this decision? I think a couple of topics we should definitely touch on next time. 

Kendle: Yeah, absolutely. All food for thought. 

Kelly: Yes. All important, all impactful. You wanted to end with a breath. 

Kendle: Yeah, I just appreciate everyone listening to this and we definitely want to end with the mantra work just to ground into the space and

I invite everyone to get comfortable. I'm going to take three or more if you feel deep breath in through the nose and side the mouth. Through the mouth.

There's a couple of mantras that are coming to me. The first one that I invite us to do then three breaths, say it out loud or in your mind is I am worthy, I am enough because I exist. 

I am worthy and I am enough because I exist. 

I am worthy and I am enough because I exist.

And one that I want to leave this with is that I'm human and therefore it is okay to make mistakes and experience life. I'm human and therefore it is okay to make mistakes and experience life.

Our lives are not defined by these little events in our lives, they're defined by the culmination of many events in life. And I'm grateful for the fact that I had an abortion taught me a lot. 

Kelly: That's all that matters. 

Kendle: Yeah. Thank you.

[music]

Kendle: Thank you for holding space for this conversation. We hope it was expansive. As a new podcast, it would mean the world if you could please help us grow our community by leaving a review and sharing this episode. 

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